a note to the bestest:)

its said that blood is thicker than water, but i know differently. i was adopted by a best friend and her family and have consequently become entangled in a web so thick of love, i could never find my way out again if i tried. i don't know what i did to deserve such loving friends and family so far away from my real home, but i am relentlessly thankful for having been so blessed. THANK YOU doesn't suffice what i really wish to express, but it's all i can think of saying to you for showing me such friendship & love. I appreciate everyone sharing in such a special party for me! Thank you all, especially Katie, Mel & Roy, for helping me transition to my new life on the east coast...tonight helped reassure me this is where i belong:) i love you guys!

3 nights/days left...

its beyond crazy to think our life is just a series of choices. from small ones to great ones...our lives are a summation of our choices. point blank. from choosing to go to college, to choosing to be out on a given night when you happen to meet THE ONE- its our choices that dictate what happens to us in the long run, and ive inevitably reached a point in my life where the next choice will clearly DEFINE the very person i am to become. i could've chosen to stay here in california after graduating, but for some reason (love?) i knew the only real choice i could make was going back to new york. everything i want in a career and lifestyle (at least for now) is over there on that tiny, dirty, crowded little island- Manhattan. or as carrie bradshaw once put it, MENhattan;) i feel sure of this choice & dont give room for the "what-ifs" to pop up in my mind. sure im leaving family and friends behind, but i'd be leaving much more behind if i chose not to move back to manhattan. i'd be losing an opportunity to meet like-minded individuals, find a fast-paced career in magazines, become someone, and ultimately, im pretty sure, meet a man who's just as driven and excited about the same things in life as me. mel always tells me my prince charming is on the east coast, and after spending several months on the west coast (although not entirely active in pursuing the dating thing), i think she's right. ultimately the choice makes sense for right now- for who i am right now. im itching to get out and DO and BE and, just...GO. so after the crying and hugging subsides in 3 days, i'll be left with that amazing, refreshing, exhilerating feeling of "here i go." and really, there's nothing better than that.

"Target is like every New Yorker’s dream. While we probably save hundreds of dollars due to its Manhattan absence, every time a Proenza or Rodarte collaboration rolls around, we practically cry."-Fashionista

dear new york,

you know i've missed you.
last night i cleaned out my room, in anticipation...knowing pretty soon i'll be packing it all up and heading back to YOU. life has been beautiful, tough, scary, boring, exciting and much more here on the west coast, but deep down inside i know i left my heart on your streets. in your lights. below the ground in your crowded subways and tunnels. in midtown, times square. i cant wait to see you again and feel my dreams come alive in your concrete jungle.

with love,
XX

11/11

the sad truth is, i never got to say goodbye. i never got to feel the closure i so badly, and desperately needed. letting go is not the same as forgetting. walking away is not the same as accepting. its like the pages turned, but the story never changed. it's tattooed, like permanent ink on my heart. and although you'll never see the pain, i hope you'll understand the invisible scar you've left. when you fall there are bruises, scrapes, blood, cuts...something that visually supports the pain you feel inside. but sometimes theres nothing to show how much it hurts. so you, yourself, ignore the pain. my body has neglected to physically display my healing...so i wonder, am i still bleeding? did i heal up right? how big is my scar, how deep are my wounds? when i try to look inside, i can't help but close my eyes. i'd rather not see whats there. i'd rather not feel whats left behind. five years can't heal in one, but yet, i've managed to move on. if i'd had the chance to say goodbye, i'd say i loved you and probably always will. i'd thank you for being the best man you could be. for making me laugh when i was down. for keeping my head up and my shoulders strong when i was 3,000 miles away. for always looking at me like i was your hero and the most beautiful person in the world. i'd tell you how often i think of you and how i still wish you the best. i still miss you and the beautiful friendship only you and i knew. how i spent the last year trying to forget a memory that is still so vivid when i let myself remember. there were so many nights i spent wondering what went wrong or what i could've been accountable for in the end, but i forgave myself a long time ago and i'd want you to know i forgave you too. i'd never known the pain of losing someone until i lost you, and literally, i lost you forever like someone loses a loved one to death. i dont regret anything, in fact, i thank god. you taught me how to love, and without the experiences we shared, i wouldn't know where to go in the future. i have direction, i know what to look for and im slowly working my way toward it. im not ready to meet him, but in time i will be. i'd hug you one last time goodbye. my first love, hard as i try, ill never forget you.

I DIE!

shrink me

so its been a very long month since my last post. lots of ups and [mostly] downs since then. disasters between the parents and they have left me, oh,
tired...drained...angry...sad...devastated. pretty much any negative feeling you can name. we agreed to, really, only one thing: we need help. "professional help," as in therapy. initially im thinking FINE whatever it takes to prove you're crazy and im not, however after my first session (today) im starting to realize i hate being so vulnerable with a complete stranger. one who has no interest in taking sides, but rather exposes TRUTHS. some truths i like, most i hate. for example: "maybe you need to find some sort of closure for your past relationship. acknowledge that it still hurts." EWW. kleenex box, watery eyes. hate it. other truths: "you are still living in their house, you're technically not an adult." you get the point.. i dont want to feel the pain, its repressed for a reason: its the only way i could move on. could it be that i really need to feel the torturous pain again & cry my eyes out in order to truly heal?? if thats the case, SUCKS. i would rather be stabbed. multiple times. while having my nails ripped off. but, thats what she suggests i do. draw something, write something, make something that symbolizes the demise of a truly important relationship in my life. i walked away, i thought that was enough recognition. apparently not. mid water works i got a 5 minute warning that times almost up & we'll have to continue next time. nice, i was left to sit in a pot of emotions for the rest of the day...forced to tune myself into painful thoughts, and feelings of inadequacy toward my family. this therapy business is so not my thing. MASSAGE therapy, now we're talkin..

so little time, so little wine.

so i decided today im in desperate need of focus.
rather, new focus to be exact. i have an inspiration board which is still begging to be glued down (i have mild A.D.D when it comes to follow-thru), a book im writing thats only 10 pages in (but could easily amount to 300), lots of head hunters to contact via email regarding a future position in the magazine/fashion industry NYC and the list continues. but lately ive had short term glasses on & am neglecting to see the long term vision. everything is work, sleep, eat, play. time to get on that job thing. time to devote myself to my writing. screw people, too, i've concluded. im kind of over friends. ya know, anyone who doesnt have a positive slash life changing impact on my life at this point? screw them. i just dont have time to be friends with the whole world right now. & when it comes down to it...who does? who seriously has time to keep up with 3, 4, 500+ "friends" on facebook or any other online socializing/networking website?? im done making time for ridiculous people who won't matter a year from now. it's time to streamline my vision and maybe even go into seclusion. serious seclusion. yeeeeah. like only come out of my cave to eat & work. maybe i'll go on a partying strike. no partying for the next week or two...maybe after lovefest...hmm or maybe i'll start in november...after halloween...

" To fall in love is easy, even to remain in it is not difficult; our human loneliness is cause enough. But it is a hard quest worth making to find a comrade through whose steady presence one becomes steadily the person one desires to be."

-Annie Louise Strong

eat. ponder. sleep.

"read that certain someone's online profile through one more time. If you've got a hesitation, it's for a reason -- and while you can't win if you don't play, you also don't want to waste your time"
-says my romantical horoscope for today. ugh. next.

bfasting it up.

Pancakes, whole wheat english muffins toasted with light pb, fresh fruits, oatmeal, special K, granola and yogurt....and ALWAYS coffee, of course.

im kind of in love with breakfast. i won't lie.

my two favorite things back to back: sleep & food.

why im feeling SAD.

in other other words..
seasonal affective disorder:
1. this is califrickinfornia for crying out loud...are we really supposed to be smelling wet asphalt, hearing loud thunder at night and feeling cold chills breeze by in mid SEPTEMBER?! there goes my hopes for an extended summer tan..

2. fall=fall fashion week in nyc=pain because im 3,000 miles away..

3. i hate rain. enough said.

4. windshield wipers, disastrous.

5. no more laying out by the pool, at least not without looking like a crazy person who can't let go of a season...

6. seasons are always associated with certain cities for me, fall means i should be living on a tiny crowded little island on the east coast...the fact that im not there to witness the color of leaves changing in central park while i do homework on a sunday...DEPRESSING.

7. as soon as pumpkins hit, we're on to christmas...WHOA slow down.

8. rainy weather=frizzy hair, sigh.

9. i have no gym membership, how will i run in the midst of rainy season? mom: "you can join me at curves if you want"

10. circuit training indoors-shoot me!

11. no money for a new fall wordrobe...really, i cry at night.

12. no real need for a fall wardrobe because im in cali, OOOOH MYYYYYLANTA. i cant do this.

13. as if the above is not sufficient reasoning for the early symptoms of SAD, by the end of this season, i should have a lead for a job (as per my plans...) YIKESsss.

im moving to Puerto Rico. screw seasons.

warhol'n it up.

sometimes i get the feeling my life could easily be portrayed in a series of postive/negative still shots. definitely not black and white negatives, though. it'd be more like andy's- boldly colorful with different shades of neon. moments that have shaped my life are still shots that can be seen in so many different ways- not limited to positive or negative, necessarily. for example, graduating. on the one hand: amazing. lots of hot pinks up in that shot of my mortarboard being tossed in the air at Radio City Music Hall...on the other hand: scary. lots of pale blues in a negative of that same shot. life is built up of tiny little [eventually huge] moments that shape who we've been, who we are right now and who we will be; the problem is we don't realize how greatly our attitude about the things that happen to us impacts how we turn out. in other words, how it determines the colors in our still shots. focusing on what you want is different than focusing on what you don't want..in the same way, im realizing that i have a tremendous power to change how i feel about certain situations and events that take place in my life by simply switching the lens of color. i can view the same picture in one color or totally flip it and expose it's opposite colors. its all in the colors i choose to see. i want to focus on flipping my pictures, giving them a new colorful exposure. i want to take everything thats thrown my way and change my perspective on it, because lately i find myself focusing on what i dont want to do versus what i want to do. im focused on what i dont want to be instead of building on what i want to be. it seems easy, but in general, tough times lead people astray- all of a sudden we're focused on the negatives. mental note: flip it. all of it.
right now im trying the D word. dieting. ugggh. i hate it sooo much but theres a prime example for ya. try telling me not to eat white carbs. all of a sudden, whats all i want? rice with cheeseburger buns, funfetti cake and fries. its focusing on what i shouldnt be eating instead of focusing on what i should be eating. how much easier would life be for me if i just focused on all the foods i need to get more of? (ps-oatmeal & carrots are amazing & at the top of my fun/good-for-you foods) same goes for LIFE. ever-a-thang..yes EVER-A-THANG. i have to paint the same pictures in different, bolder, better, brighter colors. in other words, i gotta WARHOL it. take everything i have and give it a new spin. trickery works, people...tell yourself you're awesome long enough & you'll start to be it!
somebody give me a damn smock. im ready:)

perfection in affliction.

"look at me, im really OK. trust me, everything's gonna be just fine. you met me at a very strange time in my life.."

final scene of fight club, gets me every time...sigh.

"my attitude is just the way that i speak when i'm stressed- but its definitely something that i wanna watch. cuz its not really a cute feature..."-Rachel Zoe's assistant Brad on his "Bradittude" issues.

nothing to laugh at.

i had an amazing dream. there was a guy & he was so attractive, funny & witty. we spent the whole night laughing & playing games. there was just pure joy & happiness..i mean all the laughing in my dream woke me up (huge smile on my face...rarity in the morning!). i dont know who the guy was, i can't even remember his face, but the feelings were SO real. he had me laughing for what felt like an eternity. i love laughing, & a cute guy making me laugh?? even better- real or not. maybe i took my romance horoscope too seriously, but i met a new guy that was fabulous in my dreams:) so of course what do i do? check the dream dictionary...what does laughing mean? of all the feelings in my dream i remembered, laughter was the strongest. well apparently this is the dictionary's definition:

"There is some difference of opinion among authoritative sources regarding this symbol, but the consensus seems to be that this should be interpreted as an omen of opposites, unless the dreamed laughter was that of children, in which case it predicts a stroke of money luck. Otherwise, if you were laughing in your dream, it signifies approaching unhappiness or disappointment in love, and if you heard others laughing, it portends a broken friendship."

way to kill my dreams. i hope i dream of laughing crumbsnatchers tonite...i could use some money luck!

why, bonjooooour:)

"The more people you talk to now, the more fun you'll have -- and the more new admirers you'll acquire. Go on, say hello -- practice on all types -- and ask them an off-the-wall question to get things rolling." -single romance horoscope

me likey! funny, i was totally feeling a social inclination (more than usual) right around...yesterday;) now, i wonder, does that mean i should go ahead and accept the friend requests of those guys i dont know, or just channel my inner paris hilton out in public...

an ancient art seldom practiced.

you know you shouldn't...there's a moment of hesitation long enough for you to justify whatever it is you plan on doing...and then..you..do it. whatever guilt filled thing you just did- thats called NOT having self control. see, what i've come to find out is this: sometimes the hardest thing to do is NOT doing anything at all.

i remember one sermon pastor romeo preached at my little red doored church on the upper east side in which he said "sometimes, people, not doing anything is the best thing you can do." sometimes you gotta let go & not do.

bad habits die hard. this self control concept, im choosing to make it a primary focus for my week. its time to start holding back & practicin a little self d-i-s-c-i-p-l-i-n-e. know what i mean? how easy is it to kick back & have a donut versus getting up and running. how bout buying a lunch instead of packing one. or staying up late & going out with friends vs getting to bed early & waking up early to, hmm, i dont know, clean & get some chores done? i think there are plenty of different areas in my life (anyone's life) where i could stand a little self discipline & control. it feels good to get things done & like my friend weezy says, its not the process but the PROGRESS that feels the best. the more i talk to myself about devising some strategic moves the more motivated i feel to make it happen. if i can see myself doing it, i can usually make it happen. i know its time to tighten my belt & make smart changes for the better. i dont like the icky feeling that follows guilty self indulgence. no one has the power to change how i feel but me, so here we go.

no more guilty pleasures. at least... not as often. i should seriously consider enrolling in tae kwon do;)

HAPPY BERDAY WEEKEND:)

first time in 5 years i'll be home to celebrate papi's birthday:)
sooo excited to.....CAMP!
i'll be back one more time as the bronze goddess...last real summer weekend to tanulate hehehe

sweet dreamin:)

"Words would fly right from out of my mind, out of my mouth..into your life and everything would sound just right, and no one would stop me from drinking my wine.. i wouldnt spend my days searching for lost time, i wouldn't be so damn sensitive, i'd let things go by. no matter what the weather, i'd learn to change...change with the time. & every time i need a [man] he'd appear right by me- hold me tight, treat me right, & tell me that everything's gonna be alright. thats my dreamworld...& i wanna live in my dream." -mr. thicke

and then there was in-n-out...at 1a.m.

every other nite. with emily.
see in tryin to figure out where i've indulged myself the greatest in california food, i've come to a decision that it has nothing to do with the white chocolate maccadamia nut cookies i eat regularly at boudins on lunch breaks, nor does it have to do with the coffee fraps with extra whip i get religiously on trips to tarjay, or even all the caesars pizza nites at my house...no no, it has to do with those damn near perfect cheesy burgers i ate every other day with emily. thank god she's gone back to school...or i might end up like happy val. you can imagine my utter horror slash disbelief when i asked a bodybuilder (one of my regular female customers) how to drop those few extra pounds i gained and she said NO WHITE CARBS..no potatoes, no bread, nothin. to make matters worse: no red meat (i know, im late on the diet rules, never done it before). AAAAAH que? i'll stick to runnin & pray my arteries make it through the next half century, muchas gracias. if i could, i'd teleport myself over to in-n-out right now....pshhh.

call it divine.

someone help me out. what exactly is inspiration? & how come it hasn't come as easily or naturally as it used to for me anymore? is inspiration rampant on a daily basis, or do we have to stimulate ourselves to find it? according to my dictionary, (thank you apple) inspiration is "the process of being mentally stimulated to do or feel something, esp. to do something creative." okay but where does one draw that stimulation from?...thats my question. long long time ago when i used to live in a land far far away from sunshiney cali, where the people are cold and the winters are colder, i used to feel inspired. not just a "hmm i want to paint my room" inspired, but like a religious intervention, knees shakin, glistening-tear-comes-to-my-eye, inspired. do we get what im sayin? the longer i live in cali, the more i feel my inspiration (or stimulation to do or feel something..esp creative) was derived directly from the island itself. something about manhattan made me feel differently. the walks back and forth from school to home never ceased to amuse & inspire me. strange how bums, fall leaves flying around, my newspaper stand at the corner & the crazy arab that owned it, and even looking up and seeing emp state in front of me every single day sorta did it for me. every day gave me a new perspective- but was it because of my environment or the people i had chance encounters with every day? 8 million people to run into on a daily basis could certainly provide some divine inspiration. especially the guy who played upside down buckets in the tunnel between 7th & 8th...or even the smell of hotdog & roasted nuts stands on every corner in midtown.

does inspiration live within us, or do we have to be moved by the people and places we're around? because if its not in me, the faces and places i've encountered hardly compare in inspirational value to the ones i left behind on may 19...

on alexander wang's $395 biker shorts..

"when first i saw the price on Wang's Pseudopants, I assumed they were made from leather, snakeskin, or the tusks of rare, near extinct breed of rhinoceri. that wouldn't excuse paying the $395 pricetag, but at least it'd explain the ludicrous cost...If i'm paying upwards of $400 for SHORTS, that shit better be drenched in diamond dust a la Madonna's eyelashes. not made out of fucking rayon & spandex." -Cheap JAP

lmao.

realness.

"it's what society expects of him, and really, what you've been taught to expect of men, too- that he be able to sweep you up and take care of you. sure when a man is young and doesn't know any better, he's busy being all this other stuff he thinks fits into what it means to be a man: dating an excess of women; recklessly spending his money on things he doesnt need, much less can afford; using his muscle instead of his brain in his quest to appear tough. but most of us grow out of this eventually, and when we do, we recognize that a real man provides for the ones he loves."

-steve harvey, act like a lady, think like a man

i wont lie, its pretty intense.

life can't get realer than 22. adulthood has embraced me & suddenly its feeling like nostalgia kicked my ass & sent me sobbing for the easy days...like a year ago..still in college. in a few days i'll be 22, but there will be no change because mentally this year has been intense from the start. jan 1 may as well have been my birthday, or may 19 when i left radio city music hall an official college grad. we're headed into mid twenties & all the decisions that lie ahead...aaah. i can't decide between grabbing an iced caramel macchiato, laying out by the pool and blissfully (intentionally) soaking in the last of my enjoyment (granted, guiltfully)...or diligently mapping out the road ahead (hard..hard...work)...decisions decisions. i guess its all i ever wanted: adulthood. why was i in such a rush? someone shoulda told me to take a detour...

umm WOW.

newly united in fall 09 armani ads mr & mrs hot-doesnt-even-cover-it Beckham.

a bi-coastal fashion girl's dream

first of all, my heart is equally split between a love of the west & east coast. traveling back & forth however requires some work...hence carrying everything around in totes. & although i dont mind my green eco friendly (yes, i recycle too) whole foods tote for groceries i would like something of a staple fashion friendly tote for when i beach or pool it. TADA! here we have combination fashion piece, personal statement, and handy dandy tote all in one and guess who would carry this wondrous USA bag by Maptote?? none other than my spot: tarjay. starting mañana it'll be available on target's red hot shop list (target.com) for oooonly $24.99. i die.

really though??

is this really whats next in our high tech, gadgety world?? project natal (ny post & fashionista) for xbox 360 is just bananassss...like i want one yesterday. why? the fact that there is no controller, the fact that you can play family feud type-style games with other families, the fact that it has voice recognition....i mean, these are all cool but it's primarily because of the interactive closet...hello?? as fashionista pointed out, what girl ISN'T jealous of cher's in clueless?? welcome to the 2009 version. no computer needed. wowee! we're very much excite. :)

slowmo.

let me just put it out there...
time goes by entirely too fast when the good times roll.
i can name several days, weeks and months i spent in agony. because time. went. too. slooow.
but right now? all i want is to find the slow motion button!!!
i just want to take it all in...just want to feel like i thoroughly enjoyed my graduation & all the celebratory followings...
aaaaah grad weekend :) please please please jesus, slow down timeeeee.

heart attack on a stick.

remnants of an intensely fattening slash heart-attack-inducing din din with tia. we had pizza, chips, garlic knots, beef & mozzarella patties, and fries. bottle of red. (last days of college = barefoot) it was a wrap. comatose in 3...2....

fashion slaving pays off

just a snippet of all the fab things my supervisor had to say about me in my final evaluation...woo freakin hoooooo for a great future reference:) guess it was worth biting my tongue & restraining myself all those times i wanted to yell, throw givenchy shoes at fashionistas & take scissors to every last pair of earnest sewns i had to check in :) oooooh joy!

silk + straw = summerlovin

let me just start off by prefacing with: okay, so the fedora isn't exactly brand new, i knows it. still on the top of my must have summer list? right there, straw fedory. the greatness that is a fabulous grey silk harem pant? it's becoming more & more evident...help me because im falling in love whether its wrong or right. for the last couple months, i have to say seeing them march up + down the skinny bitches on my block (27th & fash ave) has made me grow more and more in love with the idea... so what if the rest of the world (even the rest of manhattan) hasn't caught on yet & is name calling the haremwearers "mchammers?" i still loves & needs me a pair. like, yesterday. and of course im looking to round out the cutesie summer frocks and skirts with a great pair of high waisted denims. that marc by marc pair is fabs, but you know i'd settle for some forevers or h&m. tarjay anyone? can we talk about the fabulous $13 straw print fedora targs is stockin up on (check out the June issue of glam)? First run home: starbs & my SPOT. I gotta scope out the deals, you know me;) can't wait to get my manhattanite-summer-cali-girl on!

the queen's girls

Vogites. They’re women who work on the 12th floor of Condé, whom I inevitably run into on the elevator daily. I know they’re going to push 12 before they’ve even reached their skeletal arm up to press it. Tall (6-inch heels mandatory) and hungry. In a nutshell. Oh, and Chanel.

new trendin

can we please talk about why no one ever put me onto the veronicas sooner?? one episode of the hills was all it took for me to fall in looove. listen to them. amahz. this is anthem material, but then again aaaall their songs are like grrrreat. i was like a fiend d/ling as many tracks as i could...i mean, volumizing mist bottle in hand as mic, messy ponytail, undies & bra, jumpin & rockin out status when i have them blastin at home. heart it :) just what i need after a long day at work jam packed with stress...i let the music work its wonders. while you're at it - get on some gaga. i avoided jumping on THAT bandwagon foreeever - but i was intrigued & wows. summerboy & eh eh top my list right now :)

FAQ

why is it that when there's a mountainous stack of papers slash projects & finals to study for, the internet becomes so tantilizing? distractions. i've facebooked, blogged, googled and limewired till i got blue in the face but how bout the hw? ooooh yess...my papers are still scattered:) oh the joys of procrastination. i have a strong feeling right around 12:07 the papers are gonna start flowin....8 fashion blogs, 12 page political systems paper to write, 5 nytimes articles to summarize, 3 page final take home to write and a brand management project to start woohoooo 12:07 it'll have to be...

catch THIS

as i innocently went about my morning duties in the fashion closet, i got thirsty slash incredibly hungry for a mid morning coffee (it holds my hunger over) today. i walked over to the kitchenette where i used our fancy shmancy coffee maker (just stick the packet of coffee - your choice of columbian, french roast etc etc - and a cup in + voila!) & mixed in some milk & sugar. in walks our bookings editor, an absolutely lovely, amiable gay man (didn't you already know?) & he says to me "you know, i dont mean to offend you but what do you make of this whole swine flu situation? i mean, everyone is just going on & on making jokes about it!" pause - he says it in a very serious mild manner with wide blue eyes. "umm, yeah! i guess it has been talked about to death lately!" i laugh. "no but really, i just went up & down the elevator & when someone sneezed or coughed everyone joked about how it must be swine flu!" again - with wide eyes. "oh, haha!" i nervously laugh confused as to whether or not he thinks that's OK & whether or not consequently i should think its OK. i saw an expression of complete seriousness & a hint of confusion - I could not understand why he prefaced this with "i hope you're not offended." he walks out. i finish making my coffee, still a little confused and mid hallway on my way back to the closet i figure it out! i went into the closet & laughed hysterically as i told katie the story: troy thinks im a mexican?!! yes, troy thinks im a mexican and therefore i must be offended by all the swine flu jokes. damn those mexicans. I NOT A MEXICAN!

but as long as the gringos think so....i might just catch the swine & call in sick next week ;)

elevator chattin

"so its gonna rain again this afternoon"

"well, at least its not snow."

"oh but hey, it's gonna be 80s this weekend so its all good!"

"yup headed to the hamptons! gotta take advantage & get outdoors while it's hot!"

-NYC elevator talk for ya. just thought you'd like to know what its like. abnormal. stupid abnormal weather.

heeeeellooooo mr. pitt

Condé on the 16th floor was full of a pretty school of male models just paroozing about today at about 3:30. i had just come up from my 15 minute lunch break. needless to say, i was hungry again. oooooh boy, the eye candy, oh the eye candy!!! there was definitely a brad pitt look-alike-stunt-double in the mix, along with the cute dark haired light eyed exotic beauties, the calvin klein david beckhamite and of course of course of course the abercrombie unknown sexy face youngin. it was all we could do to sit back and anxiously wait for more of them to pass by the halls as we strained our necks toward the door to get sneak peeks...."oh oh HE was hot!!!" as i ran over to grab my bag (i was unfortunately sent out on a dry cleaning run for the x thousand dollar dress an editor had not only borrowed, but STAINED) i was thoroughly interrupted & flustered by the gorgeous model sitting in the way "oh sorry!" he mumbled as he moved over "soooooorrrrryyyyy????" i thought. as i made my way back to the main hallway i gave my dear friend the heads up "adrienne! quick, you need to go by the glamphoto to pick up prints" "i do?" "yesssss girl!! trust me, twelve oclock you dont wanna miss that! he's sitting right there next to the copier" wink. wink. oooooh the lovely afternoons spent at condé...

pay attention

rite of passage

15 of the fashion editors and assistants cleared out some space in our cluttered closet today for an "intern appreciation" chit chat. we all sat, somewhat alarmed at their informality & common-ness as they moved the racks and formed a circle - yes, even the fashion directors sat on the floor! in the center we had a box of huge cookies from dean & deluca (like melt in your mouth yummmooo...you know how i get with chocolate chip, enough said.) almost as shocking as seeing our fashion team of heros (heirs?) on the floor, was the fact that one of the editors herself recognized a need for milk and ran to the kitchen to get some for us...for...US. wow, it was like an imaginary red carpet being rolled out for us little interns. cookies passed and milk poured, we began what quickly turned into one of the most awwwwkward 15 minutes of "chatting." "no really guys, we just want to totally thank you for all your help!! you guys are so awesome, and we just want to, well, you know, let you know we appreciate you & we're totally here for suggestions or any comments you might want to make. go ahead, you know what, lets go around and give us one positive and one negative of working here!" "psh!" we all thought silently while stuffing our mouths like a twix commercial - making time to chew it over. like they were reeeally desperate to hear the negatives?? what they meant was thanks. a bunch. lets leave it there. needless to say, they prodded us long enough that eventually we opened up, over-emphasizing, of course, the positives that were oh so positive! to make matters worse, as awkward as it was telling our fashion seniors what could be done better, my very own supervisor had coached me into "heavily stressing" the fact that we need more interns. SHE needs more interns, but then again, she needs her own personal assistant the way she has me spinning, im sure. so when the proper segway presented itself, quiet little mousy me diplomatically expressed that "well, as much as we all love the fast paced day, it does get an eensy bit tough when we're shorthanded, because theres so much to do..." she thanked me immediately with a grin. mission accomplished. oh boy, what a special way to wrap up our afternoon :) queen B & i joked after hearing the rumor that we were going to have an intern appreciation meeting, that they'd probably send one of US out on a run to pick up cupcakes and then let us know that we can eat them after we send out 5 racks - but just not in the closet. matter of fact? take them home with you...at 9pm. luckily, we work for muuuch nicer editors, whew. i'm still mad i didnt think of suggesting a suggestion box - then we could annonymously snitch about the way it's inconvenient and counterproductive to be sending out personal packages to my supervisor's SISTER and going downtown to pick up her dry cleaning. ;)

first came the hurricane

then the morning sun. and its true, there is no way to appreciate the promise of a sunny new day, without experiencing the darkness of the passing hurricane. it all passes and its time i finally step into the warm sunny (literally) weather...summer time here i come, you can't stop me now :)

presto baby

I can make the pain disappear...
And I can erase the past... Oh...
I can make the future shine so bright...
And I can make right now alright... Yeah...

I got it, You got it, We got the magic girl...

All I got is concrete all around Me... Wooo...
But I can see the countryside...
You can be rich when you're poor...
Poor when you're rich...
It can be raining and I can make the sun shine...

I know sometimes sometimes you feel no hope...
But I've been there upon that lonely road...
I took whatever gift he offered me...
Because I knew that he would set me free...

I got it, You got it, We got the magic girl...

Science they can't prove it...
But I know I can do it...
I can fly...
I can bend metal with my mind...
I can wake up in a paradise... Ohhhh...

We got that magic...
We got that magic...
Hey...
We got that magic...

-Robin Thicke

happiness is like a butterfly;

the more you chase it,

the more it will elude you,

but

if you turn your attention

to other things,

it will come & sit softly

on your shoulder...

{thoreau}

happy marriage? sad marriage?

in case you were wondering, there is yet another way to "predict" marriage failure success rates. according to this article on yahoo, how big you smiled in child hood, highschool & college yearbooks determines how successful your marriage will be. inteeeeeeeeeresting... so those who smiled in the top 10 percentile [strangely enough] had higher rates of staying happily married & not getting divorced. shocking, just a little. well, i guess i know what i'll be asking potential candidates for: yearbooks pleeeease.

killer with a capital G

Glamour is intense. Today, between 50 boxes of denim being checked in for a denim [damn] make-over story, my personal slave driver having me do HALF her daily work while she chit chatted on the phone with her friend at Teen Vogue, my queen B dishing out extreme attitude due to the roughness of the day (hello? anti team player sitting in the halls pouting), and 17 fashion assistants/interns running around like chickens with their heads cut off over the drama that is fashion (OMG, you mean...we're out of trunks?? we filled up 20 and still need more for the OTHER photo shoot?? aaaaaaaaah)...i barely had a chance to BREATHE much less "ease into" my first day back at work. killer. intensely killed me. stabbed me and punched me to death is what this day did. but i kept a smile on my face even though i was in the midst of drowning in a sea of 75 denim racks packed tightly around every spare walkway between the cubicles and....the closet....OH THE CLOSET!!! as soon as i walked onto the 16th floor, through those glass double doors and to the left, all i could see for miles on end were racks, after racks after racks of denim to shoot (which, when i walk in and all i see is racks lined up its a bad sign - it means we'll be having to play catch up for at LEAST a week...), which was scary enough...but then....then i hung my coat up, put my bags down and proceeded to the closet where i found DUN DUN DUN....MORE RACKS!!! not only that, but half our floor space was neatly covered in rows and rows of handbags, jewelry and every form of beautiful louboutin and givenchy heels and accessories you could name. the run through was today. at 1:30. and we had stacks of boxes to check in. and there was no room. and we were only 5 interns. using up one long desk to get all the work done and organized. MADNESS. just bananas. well just to put the cherry on top, after merchandising (thats when you put clothes in order...no sweety, not just color coordinated, but sleeveless before short sleeve before half sleeve before 1/4 length before long sleeve shirts with solid colors in front and patterns behind and arranged from light to dark: like a rainbow :) but do that with every piece of clothing from shirts, to cardigans, to sweaters, to jackets, skirts, dresses etc) FIVE RACKS (as in 1, 2, 3, 4, 5) for gwen's cover shoot, lovely little miss ________ (insert adjective here) asks right as we were about to slip out "did you guys file the invoices for the day?? oh, DO THAT." our response?? we're going to make a secret file beneath the desk, so she'll never notice we haven't filed the invoices and STOP us on our way out....hehehe. one chipotle dinner later with queen B, and i was laughing at the crazy madness Glamour handed us interns today. soooo glad this one's done. sooo glad. too bad im the only intern tomorrow...help me jesus. help me jewish god. help me oprah.

desperately seeking

and one day she realized, one day she knew that long road ahead, the one that seemed so clear was really never so. one day she realized that long road ahead, was rarely traveled on, she found herself alone. alone and cold when the rain would pour, alone. she remained alone. she looked to the far west and east for miles on end, but there she remained, with each bitter step forward, alone and no closer to having the end in sight. did she want to reach the end? or just a safe haven? she wanted shelter, something to stand under, something to protect from the sun, the heat, the cold, the rain. inevitably, that long road would lead her home, but on the lonely path, she realized, that one day, all she had to turn to was faith. no one would be there to walk with her, no one would be there to shelter her or protect her. that faith had to grow from the seed it was, to something strong enough to keep her....strong enough to keep her. keep her safe from the lonely, long and lonely road. pressing forward, always forward, never looking back, never reaching out and never looking back, she continued on that long and lonely road. one day, through all the rain, she'd meet the end of that long road home...and then she'd look back on that journey faith carried her through. faith and two feet alone.

moschino momma

so what has the verdict been regarding our refreshingly stylish first lady's wardrobe choices for the first overseas visit?? positive :) read here for one take, but know that new york magazine's blog, cathy horyn on NY times, fashionista, wwd, and style files on style.com (to name a few blogs..) all unanimously agree on her fierce face off with former model carla bruni-sarkozy - we came out on top america :) here she is in moschino, as in the same moschino the skirt i brought my momma from glamour was, hehe. loves it.

blog stalker lover

if this can happen to a 58 year old divorcée, can it happen to me too?? ahh, sigh. love hits you in unconventional, slightly creepy, stalkery ways i suppose...

what it all means...

for cancer:
"You're coming to the close of a serious negotiation, and now it's time to finalize things. You finally have all the information you need, and the terms are never going to be more favorable to you than they are right now -- so sign along that dotted line without hesitation You've been holding back your enthusiasm for a while, sort of 'waiting to exhale' -- but you get to breathe freely today! Enjoy the page you are turning in your life, because you are onto bigger and better things!"
-glamour

today's cancer scope

"don't rush plans right now. if you're working on something big, be patient. the stars must align in your favor for the perfect situation or person to come into your life. instant gratification is not part of the program."

thanks, glamour :)

berry yummy

what is it about FAT FREE that turns me off so much? maybe its the fact that I'd rather have it all (fat included) and enjoy it thoroughly than have a fake "skinny girl" version of whatever it is? starbucks baristas often ask "would you like skim milk?" by reply? "NOOO!!! and im sorry miss, but you forgot my whipped cream...could you add extra?? oh and another pump of vanilla too...thanks!" i hate fat free foods and drinks but i've met my best fat-free, skinny-girl, friend in the goodness that is pinkberry... ooooh the yummy goodness. and strangely, without losing the delectable flavor usually associated with mcfatty desserts/treats, it is truly fat free. frozen yogurt, who would've thought the chocolate and marshmallow, rocky-road, snickers & pepsi girl would fall so deeply in love with frozen yogurt?? its really a guilt-free pleasure - just what a girl working at glamour could use ;)

its my footsie tootsie

the most important thing you possess, living in NYC, is your feet. they take you eeeeverywhere. in essence, they are your transportation so you can imagine the difficulties that come when your feet aren't working properly. a couple months into my internship, and i realized something was seriously wrong with my feet. what i had chalked up to tired, long days in heels ended up being far worse. within the span of 4 days, the pain went from annoying to constant and progressively painful. to the point that i couldn't even lay down in bed at night and sleep. problem? absolutely. "torn metatarsal tendon" was the verdict from the other intern who had been xrayed for the exact same symptoms i had. the cause being, after talking to a nurse, "overexerting my arch by wearing bad shoes/heels and walking too much." last friday i seriously contemplated crawling home, the 20 or so blocks felt like miles & miles. the pain is in a tendon in the arch of my foot so i literally can't walk on it - my temp solution was walking on the side of my foot as much as possible, but i soon realized it was impossible. bed rest all weekend, ace ankle brace, bengay every nite, 800mg motrins every 4, and last but not least: dr. scholls inserts and NO HEELS are the only things i can do to help my foot heal. hopefully soon, because sneakers in condé nast is hardly abiding by dress code laws for the 16th floor.

smart thought

"absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and fans the bonfire."
-Francois Duc de la Rochefoucauld

roused by rooftops

my inner ferocious alter ego was awaken from a shell of deep somber sleep that had somehow become my life on saturday night.  who thought pushing 12R on the elevator would not only physically transport me to a higher level, but also bring my perspective on more than just the city to a new level?  thats dangerously presumptuous of a night that was intended to simply yield some good music and fun times!  a chance meeting with an old friend sparked all the events that took place from saturday night to this morning.  it was like the perfection of stepping onto the subway platform at just the exact moment the wind hits your skirt from the uptown E pulling up.  love those moments.  we ran into each other and made plans to meet up at Empire Hotel where his friend was promoting and he had a table.  no cover, no line, & a table that spells "yes."  there is a very good reason i go out seldomly, and its the fact that i hate standing on line and i dont like paying covers (or paying in general).  sure enough with my fierce gay in tow, we rolled up like two grown women ready to strut.  passing the long line and speaking directly to the black-on-black suited short man in charge i confidently spoke the name that got us in immediately.  suddenly it was "oh yes miss, right this way sweetheart" and the velvet rope was lifted.  we waved toodles to the (ugh, i hate this term but its so right) haters and were escorted up.  although im not much for drinking (one pretty cocktail is more than enough for me...im recession friendly), the swanky environment was like something out of a scene in SATC.  i was waiting to run into aiden, if aiden were the lounge hopping type.  finding big would be a long shot, this was a rooftop full of 21-27 year olds.  the dj kept the best tracks spinning all nite and j & i were all about it.  song after song we danced our way from open balconies to tables inside with floor to ceiling windows overlooking the upper west side.  it was a fabulous re-introduction to single, fun, young life in the city.  one platter of spicy buffalo wings and calamari at the diner around 5 and it was a wrap.  sunday we slept in till 1, ate potato cheesy spuds and pancakes for 3 hours and strolled around noho & soho for the rest of the evening.  great spring weather (even if it only lasted 2 days) really got my spirits up...for once i spent my weekend out more than curled up in bed watching tv.  now if only i had one more day to catch up on work...  

fashion assisting 101

so the first eventful "desk day" came to a [unexpectedly early] close tonight around 6:30.  from start to finish, it was just about the best day i've had (except that day my closet go-to-gay bff brenden & i put out 6 return racks) so far at my internship.  SO: whats the deal?  my supervisor (fashion assistant to the market editor) left on her vacay this morning and will be out of the office for just over 2 weeks - she's in the Philippines (jealous) and while she's out I will have the lovely task of filling in for her :)  3 days/week i'll be Blake & better yet, i get the hands on experience for the position i'll be applying for in aaaaaabout 8 weeks (eeek!)... in essence, today was my first taste of life after college.  the verdict? love it.  interning in the closet is a different kind of stress - one that luckily i didnt experience outside the closet.  the stresses out of the closet are on a grander scale - i felt like i was actually overseeing the bigger picture.  whereas in the closet, i see about 5% of what's happening.  i'm handling clothes, but don't know what stories they're being used in.  today's liberation of the closet walls provided a clear picture of just why we wanted the gorgeous Reem Acra look #40 for fall 09...for the celeb cover of our June issue.  are we getting this?  i was overseeing the completion of story boards - contacting the PR companies and designer showrooms with fashion assistant emails like "we'd really love to get look 1 & 5 also because our r/t is on thurs so can we send p/u for monday?" r/t = run through.  p/u = pick up.  little tid bits ya learn early on ;)  Overall, manageable tasks, entirely manageable for a person like me.  i set my bar so high, i can truly say a lot of times i outdo myself!  i exceed my own expectations and more often than not realize there was nothing to be nervous about! i got this? yes.  i got this. the voice gets stronger every day and no matter what challenges threaten to knock me down, somehow i bounce right back up and get the job done :)  happy with my hard work today.  despite forgetting to eat lunch (i ate at 5), and the stress of having several stories/shoots working at once (senior fashion editor packing trunks for LA shoots this weekend = BANANA NUTS)....i can say i love it.  all of it.

aint it funny...

"its been a while since ya came around

now you wanna see whats goin down

tryna tell me how you want my time

tryna tell me how im on your mind

see it never had to be this way..

you shoulda never played the game you played

now im seein that you're kinda lame

knowin how the situation changed...

i remember how you did me wrong

now you're hurtin cause my love is gone

everybody gets a chance to burn

you can take it as a lesson learned...

& now im laughin while you play the fool"

cookielicious

it would be a shame to not divulge in the details of the most amazing chocolate chip walnut cookie ever consumed in history on the night which it actually happened...yes, tonight i had the world's (or at the very least nyc's) greatest chocolate chip walnut cookie.  (pictured above) the heavenly delight was monstrous.  just a beast. are we getting the picture here?  it weighed in at about 120 pounds - at least it felt as big as me.  it was inevitably finished in 3.2 minutes, but it was enough to call it a night.  that was quite literally my dinner.  a small cup of milk and a chocolate chip cookie from bobby flay famous Levain bakery - $5.  feeling the completely euphoric experience of melty ooey gooey chocolate blended with walnuts and just barely under-baked dough: priceless.  thank god i don't live on the upper west side - i'd definitely be paying for it.

closing, turning, starting

"i got the right to put up a fight, but not quite 'cause you cut off my light.  but my sight is better tonight, and i might see you in my nightmare...well how did you get there?  'cause we were once a fairytale, but this is farewell, yeah...i got my life and it's my only one...i got the night, i'm running from the sun, so goodnight, i made it out the door...after tonight, there will be no return.  tell everybody that you know... that i dont love you no more...and thats the 1 thing you know, that you know...i got you out my mind...and i dont see you with me no more...tell everybody that you know...thats the 1 thing that you know." - kanye west, 808s & heartbreak

see you in my nightmare... befitting doesn't even begin to describe the track that still gets me through the moments that stand still in time.  the moments when you reflect, good or bad.  in those moments, the recovery song is the above.  the time to say goodnight is now... the time to admit defeat, step aside and move on is now.  every time i encounter a moment of reflection, i keep in mind this encapsulation of true spirit and attitude as well: i made it out the door, there will be no return. tell everybody that you know.  because that is the bottom line.  good or bad.