" To fall in love is easy, even to remain in it is not difficult; our human loneliness is cause enough. But it is a hard quest worth making to find a comrade through whose steady presence one becomes steadily the person one desires to be."

-Annie Louise Strong

eat. ponder. sleep.

"read that certain someone's online profile through one more time. If you've got a hesitation, it's for a reason -- and while you can't win if you don't play, you also don't want to waste your time"
-says my romantical horoscope for today. ugh. next.

bfasting it up.

Pancakes, whole wheat english muffins toasted with light pb, fresh fruits, oatmeal, special K, granola and yogurt....and ALWAYS coffee, of course.

im kind of in love with breakfast. i won't lie.

my two favorite things back to back: sleep & food.

why im feeling SAD.

in other other words..
seasonal affective disorder:
1. this is califrickinfornia for crying out loud...are we really supposed to be smelling wet asphalt, hearing loud thunder at night and feeling cold chills breeze by in mid SEPTEMBER?! there goes my hopes for an extended summer tan..

2. fall=fall fashion week in nyc=pain because im 3,000 miles away..

3. i hate rain. enough said.

4. windshield wipers, disastrous.

5. no more laying out by the pool, at least not without looking like a crazy person who can't let go of a season...

6. seasons are always associated with certain cities for me, fall means i should be living on a tiny crowded little island on the east coast...the fact that im not there to witness the color of leaves changing in central park while i do homework on a sunday...DEPRESSING.

7. as soon as pumpkins hit, we're on to christmas...WHOA slow down.

8. rainy weather=frizzy hair, sigh.

9. i have no gym membership, how will i run in the midst of rainy season? mom: "you can join me at curves if you want"

10. circuit training indoors-shoot me!

11. no money for a new fall wordrobe...really, i cry at night.

12. no real need for a fall wardrobe because im in cali, OOOOH MYYYYYLANTA. i cant do this.

13. as if the above is not sufficient reasoning for the early symptoms of SAD, by the end of this season, i should have a lead for a job (as per my plans...) YIKESsss.

im moving to Puerto Rico. screw seasons.

warhol'n it up.

sometimes i get the feeling my life could easily be portrayed in a series of postive/negative still shots. definitely not black and white negatives, though. it'd be more like andy's- boldly colorful with different shades of neon. moments that have shaped my life are still shots that can be seen in so many different ways- not limited to positive or negative, necessarily. for example, graduating. on the one hand: amazing. lots of hot pinks up in that shot of my mortarboard being tossed in the air at Radio City Music Hall...on the other hand: scary. lots of pale blues in a negative of that same shot. life is built up of tiny little [eventually huge] moments that shape who we've been, who we are right now and who we will be; the problem is we don't realize how greatly our attitude about the things that happen to us impacts how we turn out. in other words, how it determines the colors in our still shots. focusing on what you want is different than focusing on what you don't want..in the same way, im realizing that i have a tremendous power to change how i feel about certain situations and events that take place in my life by simply switching the lens of color. i can view the same picture in one color or totally flip it and expose it's opposite colors. its all in the colors i choose to see. i want to focus on flipping my pictures, giving them a new colorful exposure. i want to take everything thats thrown my way and change my perspective on it, because lately i find myself focusing on what i dont want to do versus what i want to do. im focused on what i dont want to be instead of building on what i want to be. it seems easy, but in general, tough times lead people astray- all of a sudden we're focused on the negatives. mental note: flip it. all of it.
right now im trying the D word. dieting. ugggh. i hate it sooo much but theres a prime example for ya. try telling me not to eat white carbs. all of a sudden, whats all i want? rice with cheeseburger buns, funfetti cake and fries. its focusing on what i shouldnt be eating instead of focusing on what i should be eating. how much easier would life be for me if i just focused on all the foods i need to get more of? (ps-oatmeal & carrots are amazing & at the top of my fun/good-for-you foods) same goes for LIFE. ever-a-thang..yes EVER-A-THANG. i have to paint the same pictures in different, bolder, better, brighter colors. in other words, i gotta WARHOL it. take everything i have and give it a new spin. trickery works, people...tell yourself you're awesome long enough & you'll start to be it!
somebody give me a damn smock. im ready:)

perfection in affliction.

"look at me, im really OK. trust me, everything's gonna be just fine. you met me at a very strange time in my life.."

final scene of fight club, gets me every time...sigh.

"my attitude is just the way that i speak when i'm stressed- but its definitely something that i wanna watch. cuz its not really a cute feature..."-Rachel Zoe's assistant Brad on his "Bradittude" issues.

nothing to laugh at.

i had an amazing dream. there was a guy & he was so attractive, funny & witty. we spent the whole night laughing & playing games. there was just pure joy & happiness..i mean all the laughing in my dream woke me up (huge smile on my face...rarity in the morning!). i dont know who the guy was, i can't even remember his face, but the feelings were SO real. he had me laughing for what felt like an eternity. i love laughing, & a cute guy making me laugh?? even better- real or not. maybe i took my romance horoscope too seriously, but i met a new guy that was fabulous in my dreams:) so of course what do i do? check the dream dictionary...what does laughing mean? of all the feelings in my dream i remembered, laughter was the strongest. well apparently this is the dictionary's definition:

"There is some difference of opinion among authoritative sources regarding this symbol, but the consensus seems to be that this should be interpreted as an omen of opposites, unless the dreamed laughter was that of children, in which case it predicts a stroke of money luck. Otherwise, if you were laughing in your dream, it signifies approaching unhappiness or disappointment in love, and if you heard others laughing, it portends a broken friendship."

way to kill my dreams. i hope i dream of laughing crumbsnatchers tonite...i could use some money luck!

why, bonjooooour:)

"The more people you talk to now, the more fun you'll have -- and the more new admirers you'll acquire. Go on, say hello -- practice on all types -- and ask them an off-the-wall question to get things rolling." -single romance horoscope

me likey! funny, i was totally feeling a social inclination (more than usual) right around...yesterday;) now, i wonder, does that mean i should go ahead and accept the friend requests of those guys i dont know, or just channel my inner paris hilton out in public...

an ancient art seldom practiced.

you know you shouldn't...there's a moment of hesitation long enough for you to justify whatever it is you plan on doing...and then..you..do it. whatever guilt filled thing you just did- thats called NOT having self control. see, what i've come to find out is this: sometimes the hardest thing to do is NOT doing anything at all.

i remember one sermon pastor romeo preached at my little red doored church on the upper east side in which he said "sometimes, people, not doing anything is the best thing you can do." sometimes you gotta let go & not do.

bad habits die hard. this self control concept, im choosing to make it a primary focus for my week. its time to start holding back & practicin a little self d-i-s-c-i-p-l-i-n-e. know what i mean? how easy is it to kick back & have a donut versus getting up and running. how bout buying a lunch instead of packing one. or staying up late & going out with friends vs getting to bed early & waking up early to, hmm, i dont know, clean & get some chores done? i think there are plenty of different areas in my life (anyone's life) where i could stand a little self discipline & control. it feels good to get things done & like my friend weezy says, its not the process but the PROGRESS that feels the best. the more i talk to myself about devising some strategic moves the more motivated i feel to make it happen. if i can see myself doing it, i can usually make it happen. i know its time to tighten my belt & make smart changes for the better. i dont like the icky feeling that follows guilty self indulgence. no one has the power to change how i feel but me, so here we go.

no more guilty pleasures. at least... not as often. i should seriously consider enrolling in tae kwon do;)

HAPPY BERDAY WEEKEND:)

first time in 5 years i'll be home to celebrate papi's birthday:)
sooo excited to.....CAMP!
i'll be back one more time as the bronze goddess...last real summer weekend to tanulate hehehe

sweet dreamin:)

"Words would fly right from out of my mind, out of my mouth..into your life and everything would sound just right, and no one would stop me from drinking my wine.. i wouldnt spend my days searching for lost time, i wouldn't be so damn sensitive, i'd let things go by. no matter what the weather, i'd learn to change...change with the time. & every time i need a [man] he'd appear right by me- hold me tight, treat me right, & tell me that everything's gonna be alright. thats my dreamworld...& i wanna live in my dream." -mr. thicke

and then there was in-n-out...at 1a.m.

every other nite. with emily.
see in tryin to figure out where i've indulged myself the greatest in california food, i've come to a decision that it has nothing to do with the white chocolate maccadamia nut cookies i eat regularly at boudins on lunch breaks, nor does it have to do with the coffee fraps with extra whip i get religiously on trips to tarjay, or even all the caesars pizza nites at my house...no no, it has to do with those damn near perfect cheesy burgers i ate every other day with emily. thank god she's gone back to school...or i might end up like happy val. you can imagine my utter horror slash disbelief when i asked a bodybuilder (one of my regular female customers) how to drop those few extra pounds i gained and she said NO WHITE CARBS..no potatoes, no bread, nothin. to make matters worse: no red meat (i know, im late on the diet rules, never done it before). AAAAAH que? i'll stick to runnin & pray my arteries make it through the next half century, muchas gracias. if i could, i'd teleport myself over to in-n-out right now....pshhh.

call it divine.

someone help me out. what exactly is inspiration? & how come it hasn't come as easily or naturally as it used to for me anymore? is inspiration rampant on a daily basis, or do we have to stimulate ourselves to find it? according to my dictionary, (thank you apple) inspiration is "the process of being mentally stimulated to do or feel something, esp. to do something creative." okay but where does one draw that stimulation from?...thats my question. long long time ago when i used to live in a land far far away from sunshiney cali, where the people are cold and the winters are colder, i used to feel inspired. not just a "hmm i want to paint my room" inspired, but like a religious intervention, knees shakin, glistening-tear-comes-to-my-eye, inspired. do we get what im sayin? the longer i live in cali, the more i feel my inspiration (or stimulation to do or feel something..esp creative) was derived directly from the island itself. something about manhattan made me feel differently. the walks back and forth from school to home never ceased to amuse & inspire me. strange how bums, fall leaves flying around, my newspaper stand at the corner & the crazy arab that owned it, and even looking up and seeing emp state in front of me every single day sorta did it for me. every day gave me a new perspective- but was it because of my environment or the people i had chance encounters with every day? 8 million people to run into on a daily basis could certainly provide some divine inspiration. especially the guy who played upside down buckets in the tunnel between 7th & 8th...or even the smell of hotdog & roasted nuts stands on every corner in midtown.

does inspiration live within us, or do we have to be moved by the people and places we're around? because if its not in me, the faces and places i've encountered hardly compare in inspirational value to the ones i left behind on may 19...