you know i've missed you.
last night i cleaned out my room, in anticipation...knowing pretty soon i'll be packing it all up and heading back to YOU. life has been beautiful, tough, scary, boring, exciting and much more here on the west coast, but deep down inside i know i left my heart on your streets. in your lights. below the ground in your crowded subways and tunnels. in midtown, times square. i cant wait to see you again and feel my dreams come alive in your concrete jungle.
with love,
XX
the sad truth is, i never got to say goodbye. i never got to feel the closure i so badly, and desperately needed. letting go is not the same as forgetting. walking away is not the same as accepting. its like the pages turned, but the story never changed. it's tattooed, like permanent ink on my heart. and although you'll never see the pain, i hope you'll understand the invisible scar you've left. when you fall there are bruises, scrapes, blood, cuts...something that visually supports the pain you feel inside. but sometimes theres nothing to show how much it hurts. so you, yourself, ignore the pain. my body has neglected to physically display my healing...so i wonder, am i still bleeding? did i heal up right? how big is my scar, how deep are my wounds? when i try to look inside, i can't help but close my eyes. i'd rather not see whats there. i'd rather not feel whats left behind. five years can't heal in one, but yet, i've managed to move on. if i'd had the chance to say goodbye, i'd say i loved you and probably always will. i'd thank you for being the best man you could be. for making me laugh when i was down. for keeping my head up and my shoulders strong when i was 3,000 miles away. for always looking at me like i was your hero and the most beautiful person in the world. i'd tell you how often i think of you and how i still wish you the best. i still miss you and the beautiful friendship only you and i knew. how i spent the last year trying to forget a memory that is still so vivid when i let myself remember. there were so many nights i spent wondering what went wrong or what i could've been accountable for in the end, but i forgave myself a long time ago and i'd want you to know i forgave you too. i'd never known the pain of losing someone until i lost you, and literally, i lost you forever like someone loses a loved one to death. i dont regret anything, in fact, i thank god. you taught me how to love, and without the experiences we shared, i wouldn't know where to go in the future. i have direction, i know what to look for and im slowly working my way toward it. im not ready to meet him, but in time i will be. i'd hug you one last time goodbye. my first love, hard as i try, ill never forget you.
so its been a very long month since my last post. lots of ups and [mostly] downs since then. disasters between the parents and they have left me, oh,
tired...drained...angry...sad...devastated. pretty much any negative feeling you can name. we agreed to, really, only one thing: we need help. "professional help," as in therapy. initially im thinking FINE whatever it takes to prove you're crazy and im not, however after my first session (today) im starting to realize i hate being so vulnerable with a complete stranger. one who has no interest in taking sides, but rather exposes TRUTHS. some truths i like, most i hate. for example: "maybe you need to find some sort of closure for your past relationship. acknowledge that it still hurts." EWW. kleenex box, watery eyes. hate it. other truths: "you are still living in their house, you're technically not an adult." you get the point.. i dont want to feel the pain, its repressed for a reason: its the only way i could move on. could it be that i really need to feel the torturous pain again & cry my eyes out in order to truly heal?? if thats the case, SUCKS. i would rather be stabbed. multiple times. while having my nails ripped off. but, thats what she suggests i do. draw something, write something, make something that symbolizes the demise of a truly important relationship in my life. i walked away, i thought that was enough recognition. apparently not. mid water works i got a 5 minute warning that times almost up & we'll have to continue next time. nice, i was left to sit in a pot of emotions for the rest of the day...forced to tune myself into painful thoughts, and feelings of inadequacy toward my family. this therapy business is so not my thing. MASSAGE therapy, now we're talkin..
