11/11

the sad truth is, i never got to say goodbye. i never got to feel the closure i so badly, and desperately needed. letting go is not the same as forgetting. walking away is not the same as accepting. its like the pages turned, but the story never changed. it's tattooed, like permanent ink on my heart. and although you'll never see the pain, i hope you'll understand the invisible scar you've left. when you fall there are bruises, scrapes, blood, cuts...something that visually supports the pain you feel inside. but sometimes theres nothing to show how much it hurts. so you, yourself, ignore the pain. my body has neglected to physically display my healing...so i wonder, am i still bleeding? did i heal up right? how big is my scar, how deep are my wounds? when i try to look inside, i can't help but close my eyes. i'd rather not see whats there. i'd rather not feel whats left behind. five years can't heal in one, but yet, i've managed to move on. if i'd had the chance to say goodbye, i'd say i loved you and probably always will. i'd thank you for being the best man you could be. for making me laugh when i was down. for keeping my head up and my shoulders strong when i was 3,000 miles away. for always looking at me like i was your hero and the most beautiful person in the world. i'd tell you how often i think of you and how i still wish you the best. i still miss you and the beautiful friendship only you and i knew. how i spent the last year trying to forget a memory that is still so vivid when i let myself remember. there were so many nights i spent wondering what went wrong or what i could've been accountable for in the end, but i forgave myself a long time ago and i'd want you to know i forgave you too. i'd never known the pain of losing someone until i lost you, and literally, i lost you forever like someone loses a loved one to death. i dont regret anything, in fact, i thank god. you taught me how to love, and without the experiences we shared, i wouldn't know where to go in the future. i have direction, i know what to look for and im slowly working my way toward it. im not ready to meet him, but in time i will be. i'd hug you one last time goodbye. my first love, hard as i try, ill never forget you.