i got the job!!!

5 days shy of Christmas, i received the best xmas gift of 2010...the offer for PARENTS magazine - im officially an editorial assistant! first step in the editorial world...i start just after the new year, could there seriously be a better way to start a new year than with a new job?? i think not :)

the great boost of confidence (several people were interviewed for the position) pushed me to celebrate my awesomeness with the goldest, glitteriest manicure EVER. now i sparkle on the outside the way i feel on the inside! awwwww...

he evokes a feeling in me. like a time i wandered away from my mother at the store and for one or two brief minutes thought i'd never find her again.

it started snowing today, not sure if it will stick, but i might wake up to a white city. the first snows are always something special to me...i never get tired of waking up to the first blanket of snow here. every store you walk into is playing christmas music, lights decorate most store fronts and streets, and walking around all bundled up in a big coat, scarf, and boots, makes me feel unlike anything else.

i wish i could share the holidays with my family again...here...in this snow filled city.

im ready...but im not.

im ready to diet and exercise...but im not ready to give up starbucks holiday drinks or fries.

im ready for a full time job...but im not ready to settle for walking dogs in 28 degrees.

im ready for a boyfriend...but im not ready for a match.com to tell me my ideal mate is 31, balding, and a rainbow chaser.

im ready to start saving every last penny...but im not ready to go 6 months without a mani/pedi or hair cut. oh nooooo.

im ready to wake up earlier...but im not ready to stop hitting snooze for an hour and a half.

im ready to get over certain toxic people...but im not ready to pick up a replacement habit.

im ready to make new friends...but im not ready to show anyone what street i live on.

im ready to stop relying on my horoscope for daily introspection...but im not ready to have my mother weigh in on my future on a daily basis.

im ready to visit the tarot lady downstairs...but im not ready to hear about my 3 future divorces.

im ready to write down 2011 resolutions...but im not ready to feel like crap at the end of January.

im ready for another holiday season sans la familia...but im not ready to witness Snooki coming down IN the ball drop this new years.

im ready to move back home and call it quits...BUT IM NOT.

im ready to keep moving.

LIFE IS AN ETCH A SKETCH. shake. start over.

it takes money PASSION.

im on a quest to figure out what it takes to make it. what does it take to create something so amazing, grand and mind-blowing that everyone wants to see/hear/read/have it? THATS what i need to do. create something. i have my writing..thats a start..(crickets). i have time now too, thanks to funemployment. i have about 200 starbucks' in Manhattan alone. what more could a girl need to fuel the start of something magnificent? focus. discipline. a great chain of thought. yes- the last one. thats it, thats the one im lacking- or maybe have too much of...? living in a city like this, you're consistently being stimulated and sparked by your surroundings but not every idea is worth running wild with. i want to write on so many different topics, picking one, let alone picking a name for a new blog or book, is hard enough. so where to take all these ideas?

TBD...

PR Fashion Assistant Editorial Fashion Assistant

NEW PAGE. clearing space, yet again- here we go!

I've quit my PR position and am on the long, semi-torturous-yet-very-fulfilling-and-character-defining, road to making my next career move. nothing like a good shaking up and start-over to get your pencil sharpened (wtf?). am i crazy? quite possibly. have i lost it? uh, at times. but here i go, and you know...it feels good. every time i manage to get back up after falling, and brush my shoulders off, i feel like im slowly conquering yet again. sure it might look like im penniless, poor, jobless, whathaveyou, but am i REALLY? im not broken, im resilient in my search and i truly, truly, truly believe this is the path i'm meant to be on. besides, practice makes perfect and with all the practice i'm having in building, re-building, interviewing and job hunting i'm setting myself up for a VERY positive outcome. i am teaching myself how to start over, how to follow my voice and my dreams fearlessly (not wrecklessly).

not easy leaving something stable, a stable paycheck especially, but thats what it takes. it takes a leap of faith (so cliche, i know) and a lot of patience in seeking out what you really desire. my father says we're all born into this world with a purpose, and mine is here in New York City. i just have to find it.

time for time

I have come to a new resolution, oddly, at the end of the year. I have resolved not to spend every late night stuck behind my desk at the office.

what gives our lives meaning? what makes us happy and provides us TRUE satisfaction and fulfilment? ultimately i've come to realize, through my own painful experience, that a job is just a job. your pay doesn't determine how richly you live, and the stress you allow to dominate you is...BY...CHOICE. the beautiful thing is, we can choose how much stress we have, how much money, how much free time, how many friends and how much fun we have. it's, simultaneously, quite scary. many people mismanage this gift, but i'm slowly coming around and figuring out what works for ME. what makes me happy, and what really, REALLY doesnt.

getting off work this week, for example, no later than 7:45 (which, believe me, is EARLY for a fashion assistant) has given me so much more satisfaction and fulfilment than any other night in my 3 months of working late in PR ever provided me. even the nights when i stayed until 11:30 or 12 never seemed to let me walk away feeling accomplished- even though i probably did way more than i've done this last week. strangely enough, i walk away feeling more accomplished when i leave by 8 than any other time. i feel in control by letting go. sometimes all we can do is accept that we're only human and can only work so many hours and do so much in ONE short day. days are short. do i want to spend each and everyone stressing like a crazy person and not enjoying MY life? no! i want to work hard when it's time to work hard, and play and relax when it's time to let go.

tonight i got home by 8:15. i had a glass of wine and a sandwich, watched half an hour of tv, went for a run, enjoyed the BEAUTIFUL cool fall weather and walked twenty blocks home. walked, not ran, because i need these moments. i need to breathe deeply, gaze up at the stars and tall buildings i love so much, watch the people around me and feel connected in the thread that runs through us all- we're alive. we're doing, and being and sometimes if you take a second to slow down and watch others, you realize we're all exactly the same.

as i sit here on my fire escape with my big hoodie sweater, blanket, and glass of wine i wonder, how can i enjoy these moments even more? I don't want these nights to slip through my fingers in the name of getting ahead. it's a cool 70 degree night with the slightest breeze and everything just feels perfect. fall is unfolding beautifully, and i don't want to miss the leaves changing colors. autumn in new york is the most beautiful time of year...

independently dependent

On this never-ending quest for self-fulfillment and happiness I’ve found out so much about what I, strangely enough, don’t want. I’ve found out more about the things that cause pain, the things that make me feel empty, and the things I don’t want to become. These experiences, have in turn helped push me toward the search for the flip side.

I wake up every day, get ready for work and as I’m heading out the door, put my headphones on and turn the radio on. I walk to the train quietly and am met at every corner with plenty of other Upper East Siders doing the same thing- trying to make it through another workday. The sun peaks through all the tall buildings, as we jaywalk in mobs across the one-way streets. We are like cattle being herded by the A.M. New York Newspaper Boys outside of every station as we file down into that hellhole of a subway. We all wait, impatiently and sweaty from the trapped heat, for the next train. If we’re lucky, or unlucky, the train pulls up just as we’re swiping our card and we’re nothing short of trampled, shoved, kicked and punched in to the car. If you’re lucky, you manage to squirm in.

I climb out of the subway and end up downtown in Soho where I’m greeted by more newspaper boys, coffee carts galore, the corner fruit stand and lines of people at the delis trying to grab a morning bagel and medium iced coffee. My doorman politely nods his head, sometimes I chirp “goodmorning!”with a sunny smile, sometimes I mutter it with my eyes barely lifted (and believe me, THAT’S with great effort). I wait for the world’s slowest elevator, and push 6. That’s when my day starts. On the 6th floor of 580 Broadway, as soon as I step into suite 602.

Most days I’ve woken up amped and ready to go, some days its tough, but exhilarating nonetheless. I love what my job entails. It’s crazy, hectic, stressful, vomit-inducing and somehow, it still turns me on every day as I leave the office after 12 hours and breathe a sigh of relief.

However, I leave alone and a little part of me feels lost in such a huge city, walking around and commuting with nothing but an iphone and Pandora to keep me safe and keep me company. Sometimes I wonder about how insignificantly small I am in this huge city and huge country and huge…world! Where am I? What am I doing? I question myself in those quiet moments.

I come home to my, usually, empty apartment. If I see my roommate at all, it’s usually not until 11 or later…in which case I’m usually drifting into a level 2 of sleep when I hear the key turn. I put my keys on the table, throw my bag in my room and begin the process of getting ready for bed. Have a quick bite to eat, throw on my sneakers, go for a run, come home, shower and pick out what to wear for the next day (my favorite part of every night). I get lunch ready, if it’s not too late, and finally lay in bed. After a reading a couple chapters, I turn off the light and let all my thoughts manifest themselves in me. My fears, my concerns, my regrets, my triumphs, my pride, my pain, my joys, everything. I think it through one time, and let it all go. I sigh deeply and resolve to keep pushing.

This is one day in my life. One day, that Monday through Friday, is often repeated. Do I love my life? Yes. Do I love what I’m doing and the supposed direction I’m moving in? Yes. Absolutely. Do I doubt myself and get down every now and then? Of course, I’m only human. But there’s something about living these moments where I feel most broken, most alone, most scared and most doubtful of my own strength, that I hear a little voice in my heart screaming out to me: “I can do this.” Something in that moment feels like it’s emerging and though I may cry and wonder what the FUCK I’m doing here all by myself, this feeling comes out of nowhere and reminds me I’m doing the right thing. And baby, no one can ever make you feel that feeling. I don’t care what support anyone has ever given me, there’s nothing that makes me feel stronger than when I pick myself up, dust my shoulders off, and brave another day.

It’s so easy to give up. It’s so easy to think something’s not right for you just because it’s “too hard.” I’ve seen 3 people quit at my job in the 2 months I’ve been there because the pressure was too much. One girl left in 3 months, one in less than a week and a half, and the other in 2 days. But I’m hanging in there and feeling, even despite the pressure, that I’m braving the challenge and making a way for myself. I’m proud of my progress so far, and even though it’s hard as hell to stay positive and strong day after day after day, I know that there’ s a greater reward to be had if I lay a strong foundation for myself RIGHT. NOW.

I’m ready to accept the tides as they come and let them carry me in the direction of my beautiful dreams. I see myself living the life I dream of and envision, and have to be reminded daily that this is only one small step. A sometimes brutal and painful one, but I’m growing through it. I’m getting closer to the Jacquie I want to be. I’m getting closer to the man I will eventually want to share myself with. And closer to the family I will eventually create for myself- so why not enjoy my loneliness right now? Why not accept the beautiful people I’m encountering and learn from them?

I’ve learned to treat everyone I come in contact with as a teacher. Someone I was fated to meet and learn from. Everyone that comes into my life, I believe, comes in for a very real reason- and I intend to find that out. Some people have taught me to love, some have taught me to let go, some have taught me to control, some have taught me to open up, to cry, to laugh, and even how not to be. It’s so much easier to live a happy life when you learn from not only your own experiences, but the experiences of others. I love getting to know people and letting them be my teachers. We have so much to learn from each other, and if someone has the capacity to accept and learn from me, well that just reinforces me by proving there’s a reason for me being here and doing what I’m doing after all.

horrorscope

last week my horoscope warned against using foods for comfort. the week before, it suggested i channel my creativity to keep myself sane. this week it's stressing money management (yeeeeah, i roll my eyes...im BROKE). it seems like these three topics are on perma-cycle. what could this be telling me? get creative with my money and open up a restaurant? it's funny how this psychobabble horoscope app never ceases to entertain me...even though it's incredibly vague and inaccurate for the most part.

what is it about having direction or gaining deeper insight into your future that makes you feel so comforted? even when you know its fake?

at least im not spending my time booking $150 psychic readings like a certain friend of mine. ehhem. drew.

$0.99 cent iphone app. tells me everything i could ever want to believe (you are headed for great progress in your career). or not (you should consider a dating coach).

summer.23.fashion.life.

so much has happened in the last month, i don't know where to begin.

life is moving at a ridiculous pace, and all i can say is i LOVE it. the ins, outs, highs, lows, theres something here that fuels my passion and drives my spirit to reach small (but insanely exciting) triumphs almost every day. everyday has been a new exciting page in this chapter, and regardless of the times when i miss home and my family and friends- life is good here. regardless -even- of my low funds, small home, little belongings and very minimal collection of shoes (sigh, louboutins still to come) i can genuinely say theres something awake in me that was asleep when I was back home in California.

day to day is stressful, challenging, scary, nerve-racking, vomit-inducing and exciting, wonderful and brand new. not many people can brave the challenge of truly living a brand new day every day. my job is not the norm day in day out with the same mundane tasks- it challenges me and throws me curveballs all day every day. and although its not GQ or Vanity Fair, its an exciting step closer to the mecca of fashion where i eventually want to end up: 4 Times Square- Conde Nast Publications. and actually, thats cutting myself short. its not where i want to end up, so much as another step i'd like to take. who knows where i'll end up, all i can say is...its truly an exhilerating ride im on.

maybe its true what they say- its not the destination, but the journey and those you journey with that matter most.

after turning 23 last week (AAAAH...mid 20s??), i realized im right where i feel i belong. serious about my career, but not too serious, having fun, but being responsible, learning, growing and best of all achieving BY MY SELF. i couldnt have planned the roadmap to my life better (nod to the man above)...i had no idea the strength i had, and how desperately i needed to do things on my own for this stretch of my life. had you asked me 2 years ago, i wouldve thought marriage was around the corner at this point (NUTS). life feels full of intense energy- sometimes so intense, it's hard to take it all in.

thats the point im at right now. just trying to take it all in as the ride slowly, yet steadily, creeps higher and higher to the top...

Drake - Fireworks (feat. Alicia Keys)

Drake - Fireworks (feat. Alicia Keys)

Money just changed everything, I wonder how life without it would go
From the concrete who knew that a flower would grow
Lookin’ down from the top and its crowded below
My fifteen minutes started an hour ago
Truth over fame, you know I respect the blatant sh-t
When I hear talkin, I just dont know what to make of it
Hate is so familiar to me, I’m slowly embracing it
Doesn’t come natural, bear with me it could take a bit
Yeah, and my dreams who Im racing with
You can see Im pacin it so that Im always chasin it
Wayne put me right here, thats who I get the paper with
I hope that my success never alters our relationship
Yeah, this life is something I would die for
Octobers Own, but its lookin like July 4th
But I just wish theyd let you try it first
This time Im really goin off, fireworks

When I go off like July 4th
feels like a fire, Got to go higher
Its your revelation, my sweet celebration
light me like a rocket, cause can't nothing stop it
all I see is fireworks,
all i see is fireworks
every night its fireworks
every night its fireworks
all i see is fireworks
taking off like fireworks
taking off like fireworks..

I got this one girl, you know, in my life
so I say in this song, I say
I’m just such a gentleman
you should give it up for me
look at how I’m placing al my napkins and my cutlery
I can tell it wasn’t love I just thought you f-ck with me
who coulda predicted love could strike now you stuck with me
yeah, I kept my wits about me luckilly
what happened between us that night it always seems to trouble me
now all of a sudden these gossip brags wanna cover me
and you making it seem that it happened that way because of me

but I was curious and I’ll never forget it baby
what an experience
you coulda been the one but it wasnt that serious
their was smoke in the air before now its me cleaing it
that felt good, all and all I learned a lesson from it though
you never see it coming you just get to see it go
yeah I shoulda looked up in the sky at first
now I see it in her eyes
Fireworks!

so dated.

dating. dates. those words haven't necessarily been music to my ears, to say the least. they scare me. its hard enough to find time for myself lately with the two jobs. any blessed down time is usually spent playing catch-up with chores, groceries, laundry etc. oh, and feeding myself. so when spring came around and, seemingly out of the blue, the boys started popping up like flowers I had two choices: take the date invites or continue on my single girl walk. i must admit, i've been more inclined to take them. of course, a girl has to know how to practice choosing wisely, but even so, i've pushed myself out of my safe zone and let them wine and dine me. one was terrible, one was definitely the makings of a cool friendship (nothing more) and another was...kinda, great. shocker! i've been putting off a few more invites, turning down a couple too and still keeping an eye out for the construction company owner my bff is trying to set me up with (she asked him for his number...for ME. thats how sure she is we'll hit it off. wow.), bless her heart. i finally understand SATC. theres some funny/weird/crazy ones in MENhattan, but getting to meet them hasn't been all that bad. i dont want to think im actually DATING, like an adult..i feel more comfortable befriending. dating/befriending - it's all hard work and at the end of the day, I'm happy to be standing on my own two feet. i don't know how comfortable i am with the thought of letting anyone get too close, but like mr. Great pointed out: you can't be scared of opening up, if someone makes you laugh and you enjoy their company, why not keep them around? its like a breath of fresh air. for now we're just enjoying the laughter and letting the laundry pile up a bit.

april fooled me.

it seems i've been blessed with a busy life and packed schedule the last...oh....month?? i've barely had time to squeeze in a run or "ballet body" workout (amazing- dance + yoga + pilates woohoo tighten & tone!!) for my own personal well-being, let alone sit down and blog a bit. oh i've had more than enough content to write about, its all written out in short spurts, quotes & blurbs in my bright green vogue journal i carry around reeeeligiously. on a bus ride home from nannying, a subway ride from working at the firm or boutique (yes, PR and retail are in my realm of work as of now) or just in the rare instance im sitting in bed awake enough to write out a thought or two. however transferring those notes into blog posts has been another story...

sorry for the lack of postings, faithful readers (if you're out there?)...

in summation, April has been a wonderful month. full of great new business ventures, friends, and...well, all kinds of new interesting people. this month has been about CONFIDENCE. i got a new job at an excellent PR firm in the fashion department, and although it is only a paid internship, it has great potential to develop into more...come June when im evaluated :) it feels good handling couture gowns again..sigh. i am truly happy admiring and handling these $25k gowns just behind the scenes. oh kesha needs a leather jacket for a magazine cover? great, i send it out. oh eva longoria wore the rafael cennamo dress we sent her for her fragrance launch?? wonderful! we dress celebrities for red carpets, and send magazines looks to shoot. thats MY LIFE. and i love it. the days couldn't fly by faster (well, okay they went just a faster at glamour...but this is cool). now i experience the other side of what i did as a fashion closet intern at Conde. i remember the frustration throughout the office when a PR firm was hassling us for a skirt we were supposed to return a week ago...hello, now that im at the PR firm i understand why we need it back right away. because the stuff we handle is usually couture (one of a kind samples) and we have to manage it from magazine shoots to celebrity stylist's hands in one swift motion. im talking from a 10am shoot in the city to a 6pm overnight to france status.

all in all, its great and im learning a lot (and perfecting a lot of what i already knew ;) funny how "stressful environments" can vary from office to office. glamour was banana cream pie. Paul Wilmot Communications (PWC)...we're at a 2. i find myself on my toes, expecting a looong to-do list when my supervisor tells me we have a lot TO DO. in all humbleness, its a great change from 12 hour work days at the magazine. 9-6, real lunch breaks and very nice people. couldnt really ask for more...

i wonder why i still do.

rub-a-dub.

its friday night and after another long week of running around the city between jobs, all I could think to do was soak in a hot tub, drink some "leche con cafe" (milked up coffee) and hit the bed. after a short word on my blog, that is. lately i've spent lots of time with myself, especially curled up on my couch or soaking in a bath...i got to thinking, pondering rather, how will my prince C find me? not that im worried about it just yet (hello mid twenties), but seriously, how do i expect him to find me when i spend so much time at home...alone. aah love, it'll come in some strange, crazy, BAM way im sure. i cant say i lack the attention, but not every invitation is worth accepting. these days i take great care and consideration into who i allow any of my precious time. living in such a crazy/crowded city you have to become hardened and protective of your personal space and whom you choose to share it with. im in no rush to jump on any bandwagons or have others jump on mine. sure, it may sound cynical, but deep down (way inside) im an optomistic romantic. for the mean time, its ME im focused on perfecting and understanding. theres amazing fulfilment that follows an exhausting day- its called: PROGRESS. one. step. at. a. time. i just keep breathing and crawling..eventually i'll be walking...and then hopefully, waaay down the road, i'll be carried; yes, by prince C presumably...if he somehow finds me not in my tub.

"Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others”

like tear drops on crack.

just when the weather seems to be getting "springy" around here, the rain gods come shake things up & blow the iciest chill over manhattan. i was practically dreaming of espadrilles and beaches when i was rudely awakened by harsh rains/winds and a dip back into the 30s-40s. i wouldn't have minded so much if there wasn't the wind factor, because here in the city its a practiced art to walk around in this kind of crazy typhoon weather. yesterday it was so bad, i counted 16 dead umbrellas left on the streets. thats how i know its a bad storm, based on the number of dead umbrellas, that is. see they don't all make it thru, and you can picture the frustration a new yorker feels when their $12 umbrella flips and it's wires break- they literally leave them tossed on the curb- like roadkill. my umbrella, well, boy it managed and held up ridiculously well under the harshest of winds/rain sweeping around me. then again, i do have skills in managing to swing it the right way when the winds pick up ;) it literally looks like a baton routine the way you have to swing your umbrella around in order to keep it from flipping inside out. all i could think of was how lucky i was to have a sturdy umbrella that hadn't given out on me...yet. is it wrong to want a man like my umbrella? perhaps, but it was the perfect correlation to me as i stomped through puddles to get to work in the afternoon. sturdy, dependable, and able to protect me from the harshest of storms (im talking natural disaster status) my umbrella stood out amongst cheap flakey ones that gave out the second the winds picked up. oh spring, you clearly have me lovesick. at any rate, i made it through the last few days of wreckage, but unfortunately its left me with a sore throat, slight fever, and incredibly prone to developing into a full on cold. hot tea, noodle soup, crackers, tbs movies and gingerale all day. siiiiiiigh.

You can't solve a problem with the same consciousness that created it. -einstein

jail cage bird.

Christian Louboutins' spring look...cant decide if im madly in love or madly confused. either way they're worth my month's rent soo...doesn't affect me until they reach the (cringe) masses via knock-offs. THAT i'll stay away from.

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William E. Henley

wish WILL-GET list

nice hair cut
new boots
spring wardrobe <3
new handbag
blow dryer
real hamper
dvd player
real silverware (seriously!)
messenger bag
vintage lace-up booties
goose down comforter
gym membership
bikram yoga membership
new ipod
new music for my ipod
boyfriend pillow
boyfriend?
and last but not least,
DIORSHOW mascara.

skateboard rock meets sexy in SNEEZE

Yesterday I was once again transported to the beautiful world of fashion photography. My first time being on set for the entire shoot, true, but I had my taste at Glamour. The scene was Ace Hotel in midtown...fabulously fresh fashion-crowd-oriented hotel. Literally, they aim to please and usher in the fashion crowd. I was contacted by a former fashion assistant at Glam via email. She's freelancing and in need of a part time intern and when she asked, I had no hesitations. I knew this was something i needed to be a part of- being productive, please note, is the core of my existence. If i dont feel productive, I don't feel good. In hopes of feeling good and getting out there (showing my face, networking, etc), I showed up half an hour early with Barbara Bui shoes in hand. I stopped down to Soho to pick up sexy heel options for the otherwise skateboard/rock/edgy shoot. I arrived first (gold star for me), then the stylist, then the model (wow! on time!), followed by hair and make-up and last but not least the photographer. i'm sorry, the SEXY, FRENCH photographer. I don't know what it is about them lately, but the white boys have gotten trashier, fashiony-er and ZEXIER than I last remember...hot! he had a beanie, scruffy blonde beard, tattoo sleeve (singular, one arm), skinny (slightly sagging) jeans and dark grey dunks with a light blue button down (sleeves carelessly rolled up, of course). gorge! He was complete with the french accent that at times is simultaneously impossible to understand and incredibly awesome. we were given a huge corner room (looks like a place nate berkus would stay at if he were visiting), but ended up shooting downstairs in the basement. It was PERFECT- dark, grungy, sexy, beautiful, and super playful. There were old speakers, fridges (think Happy Days fridges), retro couches and wooden chairs etc. the model was beyond gorgeous. slim, at least 6 feet tall: hello LEGS for days, thats where the saying came from! I think she was part chinese or japanese, just oozing beauty from her light brown eyes to her suuuuper thick amazing long hair. One would think I'd have spent the day miserable and jealous, but in fact I just admired (another gold star for me) and wondered what the world looked like from way up there. Must be nice to go to work and have hair and make up done then get photographed in thousand dollar heels all day. At the end of the day, however short and curvy I might be, I was just happy to go EAT. Lovely girl, great attitude but damn its gotta suck to not eat! She said she was self conscious about her ass (umm, what ass?), I joked with the photographer after she left: where does that leave the rest of us?? I was sent up and down the elevator to retrieve forgotten vests, blazers, heels, waters, diet cokes, and peanut m&ms but at the end of the day it felt good to be useful and a working part of a fashion spread. The magazine, by the way, is called Sneeze and its a hybrid magazine/newspaper in that there is no binding, the pages are just folded together. Pretty neat actually, I loved the concept (www.sneezemag.com). Very cool shoot, I can't wait for the next...

NYFW

TWITTER. if you don't have one, get one. its ridiculous how obsessed i've become. the thing is, you know whats going on in literally anything you have an interest in. its like a facebook newsfeed for the shit you actually care and want to know about. instead of reading about people's ridiculous lives, i follow fashion industry businesses, magazines, trade magazines, b2bs, and even a select few fashionistas. i follow the best fashion blogs, designers and stylists...its just amazing! have i sat front row at any of the fashion shows this week? no. does it matter? no. why? because i have the best connection with people actually sitting in the front row! its hard to believe this info is freeeee. they're up to the minute, posted every 10 seconds, and im getting feed from so many celebs/stylists/editors/designers at once, that i get the full scope of eeeverything that hits the runway. IM OBSESSED. i literally can seeee what goes on thanks to tweets from wmag like "At Calvin Klein: Whoopi Goldberg by the door, sitting next to Andre Leon Talley" There are literally millions of tweets covering everything from whos there, whos wearing what, (or not, Anna takes off her shades at Justin's William Rast show) and what hot trends are hitting the runway (neutrals, nudes and BIG on creams for fall). New York Fashion Week never looked so good....from home!

critics welcome.

a life worth noting is often one to be criticized. whether good or bad, you never bother to criticize a life that is meaningless, useless or empty...there's got to be something that is unique, different, or even uncommon in its otherwise common way. i'd rather live a life with critics on the sidelines- watching my every move- than one that goes by unfortunately unnoticed and therefore never leaving an impact on a single soul in this big huge world. love me or hate me, i want to know i've impacted the lives around me- and they've noticed mine.

on the upper sleep side.

my roommate finally took a day off. and what did i suggest we do when i got up? go pick up my loft bed:) an hour after bribing with "amazing lunch, amazing dinner, and groceries done for you" i finally got him to join me downtown to pick up my ikea loft bed from a lovely couple. the only tricky thing about moving in the city is finding a damn taxi driver that will take you and your furniture. you'd think the minivan cab drivers wouldn't have an issue: wrong. they pull up, see your bed frame and speed away shaking their heads. we stood on the corner of the street for what felt like an eternity. i, striking up courteous conversation with the girl who sold me the bed, drew hailing every van that drove down 7th. i didnt even check (like i normally do with minivans) to see if it was the cash cab driver inside, i would've taken anything! about half an hour later we were finally loading up a van & on our way back up. surprisingly, drew helped me build my "monkey bar jungle gym" as he calls it, and by last nite i was finally in my own room, on my own real bed. for the first time....in TWO MONTHS. hallelujah, i climbed into bed and sighed relief. until i remembered i left my water bottle in the kitchen. uuuugh ladder climbing is the UNcool part of sleeping so high up on a loft...

my roommate sings LA BAMBA and does a dance to get me to fold his laundry. i strangely enjoy this exchange of services. he makes me laugh, i slave away.

FAB, week 2

Day 11. One more seriously disastrous "interview" later... Turns out marketing sometimes means door-to-door salesperson on Craigslist job ads. In the ghettos of Brooklyn. We're off to a better home environment though, the apartment is slowly but surely feeling more like home. Yesterday was an adventure, finding an open laundromat in the midst of a snow storm. It was literally a snow day, with tons of schools, restaurants- and, apparently laundromats- closed. So i trekked through the blizzard of snowflakes drenching my face and managed to make it home with clean clothes. I felt, sadly, accomplished. Does it say anything that getting my laundry done in the span of a day constitutes a feeling of pride and accomplishment? These days I try to enjoy the simpler things, sigh. I cleaned the place, bought a shoe organizer to hang on the door and suprisingly, it made me feel much better. Men have no idea how lonely and lost a woman feels when her shoes are in dissarray. WHERE IS MY OTHER MICHAEL KORS PEEP TOE?? That is a heart-attack on a stick. Once I get a bed in my room, I'll feel like this is reeeeally home. I can't decide what would make me happier- a real room, or a real job. Maybe thats the problem- we just never seem to be satisfied with where we are in life. Theres always another stage we're desperately trying to get to. Look at people who work, they're all working towards the prize of RETIREMENT. But how bout once you reach it?? I think the trick of being jobless is remaining satisfied. You cant expect the job to fall out of the sky, thus the 16 hours a day combing the web and e-mailing out the resume...but you can enjoy a snow day with the blinds up, some hot chocolate and Ellen Degeneres in the afternoon. Why sweat it? Oh yeah, okay, sure....besides the fact that i need to pay rent. and buy food. pssh.

green awning with yellow letters PUPPIES.
teacup yorkie baby puppies in the window.
lenox hospital.
starbucks with limited seating but lots of window counters/stools.
cute lap top carriers with coffee inside.
brownstone.
brownstone.
bicycle locked to a post.
trees beautifully lined.
fire escapes on brownstones.
more brownstones.
dry cleaner.
fancy dry cleaner.
fancier dry cleaner.
antiques.
gristedes grocery store.
chase bank.
duane reade (oooh 24 hours!)
Bandol Bistro.
indian food.
and my favorite: fresh hand-made bakery. cookies, loafs of bread, carb heaven.

some things i enjoy on the little trip from the 6 subway stop to my home:)

fabulously broke, week 1.

SO, we're at day 3 of officially starting my new york life (that is, im actually living in the city). no more hanging in connecticut with my best friend (it was more of a vacay), now its vicious hard work time. i've been feeling the pressure like never before. i mean, I HAVE AN APARTMENT- how do i pay for it with no job? how do i pay for food let alone the necessary furnishings? i mean don't get me wrong, i can do with a blow-up bed in my room and one pan in the kitchen...but it just feels like im scraping the bottom. with no heat in my room, i learned the first night it would be impossible to sleep in there until i have a portable heater. so i've made friends with our $25 couch, since the living room has a toasty heater. drew found theeee comfiest $25 bargain ever- full size couch & armoir too. our living room is feeling quite homey, as is our half bath. my room looks naked, but its okay...it'll all come with time. this weekend im picking up a loft bed i found on craigslist, despite drew picking up the air mattress and enacting what it will look like with a full bed up high, "juvenile" he said. whatever, i need the room below for, oh, i dont know, hanging my clothes maybe?? seeing as we have no closets and clothes hanging in the kitchen isn't exactly ideal. anyways, with the apartment slowly coming along, i'm left with a day job of finding a job- and this is where we're met with my biggest nightmare. the job is starting to sound like a magical fairytale land...like i'll never find it! i had another meltdown (surprising...not) with my mother- i dont know what to dooooo!!! i yell at her. i think she's secretly scared ill start stripping to make ends meet. too much girating involved, my knees are bad. i apply for aaaany job i think i can do, nannying (picking up the rich crumb-snatchers from school & making them din type of thing), events promotional models, dog walking, while watching a cheesy commercial yesterday i even considered doing commercials. it doesnt help having my roommate come home every day and roll his eyes at me as he asks what i did all day. "i played solitaire & painted my nails, andrew" its not easy! i made the trek to barnes & noble this afternoon- soo here we go, job hunt day 3. taking out the what-if-i-dont-find-one-and-die thoughts from my mind and starting fresh! (it's like telling yourself you can work a shitty haircut you just got. the truth is, it sucks & you just have to WAIT.)

for the love of god.

Religion in a city like new york is, more often than not, associated with habitual behaviors. Your morning Starbucks is “religious.” Your run on Chelsea Piers Sunday afternoons is “religious.” Cranberry vodkas are “religious.” As is reading Vogue. The only problem is when you’re faced with a person who actually practices a religion. Then you get the “oh” shifty eyes. Branding yourself “religious” makes you vulnerable, rather, susceptible to feeling or looking a little foolish. What do you need a god for in a city that gives you everything you want if you work hard for it? Whether you make your money the hard way or find a “short-cut,” money can be made here, and sadly, that’s usually the higher power people seek to rule their lives. This city is filled with people who just want the same three infamous things Carrie wanted: the job, the apartment, and the boyfriend/girlfriend. All of which are held to a higher standard around here. It’s not just a job, it’s the job. Not just an apartment, but a loft. Not another small town boy or girl, a big-time business man or woman with model-looks to call your own. People want the cream of the crop in Manhattan, so why then, I wonder, don’t they call on the one person who can give it to them?

upper east side lovin

Moving to New York has been like getting sucked up in a whirlwind similar to pulling the drain on a full bathtub. Between falling sick, getting better and relapsing again I can barely pull my little body together long enough to make it through! I came with a simple TO-DO list and a super ambitious attitude to “make it work” no matter what. In no particular order, I needed to find A) a J-O-B and B) an apartment. Sounds hard, but it’s a million times harder than it sounds. First of all, jobs don’t just grow on central park trees around here. And while apartments do, it doesn’t mean they’re all great or..ehhem…affordable. With a strict budget and a short time frame, I set to work looking for an apartment firstly. This being due to the fact that my dear friend drew was willing to “sponsor” me as a roommate while I find a job since he was in desperate need of his own place asap.

Drew, I must explain is almost a ghost at this point. Besides the fact that I never see him, physically, he’s barely got meat on his bones too. He’s literally withering away from a demanding job that leaves him little time to brush his teeth, let alone eat, sleep or look for an apartment. I mean, seriously, the job is hardcore. So with little to no input on his behalf, I got to contacting brokers, setting up appointments and running around the city checking out places to pre-approve for Drew. Thank god for pic messaging, I don’t know what I would’ve done if this was 1989. Round 1 with my best friend yielded a so-so place, a ghetto spot in Spanish harlem, and a real potential-filled cute apartment on the upper eastside. A few pictures and days later, Drew was finally able to see the place himself- “done!” The next day we were set to sign the lease for it, when we get a call from the broker…turns out it was taken. See the problem here is, this is my first time apartment hunting…I had broken the cardinal rule: do not get attached. Apartment shopping is more like boyfriend shopping than you’d think. Just like with men, you never want to commit to something wholly until you have a pen in hand and are signing the lease. Otherwise, it’s up for grabs…someone with better looks, or in this case more deposit money, might snatch it up just when you start to envision your life with them. I could see my cozy couch, I could practically hear drew coming in late from work and feel the summer breeze as I sat outside of my bedroom window drinking wine on the fire escape…my dreams were quickly abolished with one phone call from Drew a.k.a. “mr. insensitive.” “So the bad news is the apartment was taken already. Jacquie, this happens all the time. When can you see more places?” More places? I wanted 91st and 1st. I Jay-Z’d and moved “on to the next one.” A little broken hearted, and far more aware of how easy it is to fall in love and lose men apartments, I went ahead and scheduled more viewings and made arrangements to stay with my gay boyfriend in Brooklyn for the week.

Simultaneously I was keeping an eye on the job watch and had an interview scheduled at Ralph Lauren for a senior sales assistant position on Wednesday. That’s another post in and of itself. Job interview down, back to apartments. My mind has been entirely wrapped and sucked into the APARTMENTJOB whirlwind. Its all I dream about, think about, stress about, panic-attack about, meltdown about, and stay optimistic about. Thank god for parents and friends that keep me grounded and support my poor, broken little soul. Okay, so I’m not that pathetic, but it feels that way sometimes. Being strong has a side effect of sometimes leaving you weak. Courage requires lots of deep breathing, hysteria in broad daylight, knowing you have a safety net to fall on or at the very least a hand to hold and a best friend to make you laugh and eat. I have all of the above…what a blessing!

With Saturday approaching (Drew leaves on business in the morning…China), time was running out and I was determined to find something Thursday that we could sign for by Friday. With 6 apartment viewings scheduled, I never made it past the second one. It wasn’t love at first sight- not even close. When I walked up the brownstone steps, I felt optimistic. It smelled good as soon as you opened the door and walked in the building…simple with dim lighting and only one flight up, hallelujah! Every New Yorker’s dream. When I walked through the tiny hallway and met the fork between living room and kitchen I sighed relief. It was nice! Huge living room by Manhattan, let alone upper eastside, standards. Hmm, nice…okay. Then through the living room I found the door that led to the bathroom. Fully remodeled with nice dark blue tile throughout…a little masculine, but then again, I can do androgynous. Nice tub, cute sink, big mirror…very spacious…no toilet. No toilet!?! “Oh” the broker smiled, it’s through here. In the bigger of the two rooms was a little door which should’ve been to a closet, but low and behold was for the “toilet room.” Yes, the toilet is removed from the bathroom and up a stair in a closet/toilet room. I laughed, and cringed. Eww. Then I remembered what a crazy work schedule my roommate has and started to consider it more seriously. Even though at first scan around it was just OKAY, the longer I walked around and stood in that big huge, two –window living room, the more I felt at home. It was like a quirky guy who off the bat might not have those drop dead gorgeous looks, but inside makes you laugh a little and feel carefree. So what if he doesn’t have the looks, you think. He feels comfortable (much like the light hardwood floors and old New York style walls), he has all the things I want on paper, and he’s…BIG. I’m getting my money’s worth here. Besides, Manhattan real estate is all about one thing: location, location, location. Boy was this the right location!

With Drew’s naturally quirky sense of humor and personality, I knew he’d at least consider the toilet roomed apartment so I called him up to 75th and 2nd. Later that night he laughed on the phone talking about how cool it would be to put his bed in the kitchen and make people confused when they came to visit about the arrangement of our apartment. He was sold. Appointment was set up, once again, to sign the lease after some number crunching I took part in back at the office with the brokers. 10:30 Friday we met, and after some negotiation, signed the lease!

Makes me wonder, if I only had to go through six apartment viewings before I found “the one” in a city filled with millions of apartments, could I be so lucky as to find the right man out there too, and exactly how many viewings will it take?