Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William E. Henley

wish WILL-GET list

nice hair cut
new boots
spring wardrobe <3
new handbag
blow dryer
real hamper
dvd player
real silverware (seriously!)
messenger bag
vintage lace-up booties
goose down comforter
gym membership
bikram yoga membership
new ipod
new music for my ipod
boyfriend pillow
boyfriend?
and last but not least,
DIORSHOW mascara.

skateboard rock meets sexy in SNEEZE

Yesterday I was once again transported to the beautiful world of fashion photography. My first time being on set for the entire shoot, true, but I had my taste at Glamour. The scene was Ace Hotel in midtown...fabulously fresh fashion-crowd-oriented hotel. Literally, they aim to please and usher in the fashion crowd. I was contacted by a former fashion assistant at Glam via email. She's freelancing and in need of a part time intern and when she asked, I had no hesitations. I knew this was something i needed to be a part of- being productive, please note, is the core of my existence. If i dont feel productive, I don't feel good. In hopes of feeling good and getting out there (showing my face, networking, etc), I showed up half an hour early with Barbara Bui shoes in hand. I stopped down to Soho to pick up sexy heel options for the otherwise skateboard/rock/edgy shoot. I arrived first (gold star for me), then the stylist, then the model (wow! on time!), followed by hair and make-up and last but not least the photographer. i'm sorry, the SEXY, FRENCH photographer. I don't know what it is about them lately, but the white boys have gotten trashier, fashiony-er and ZEXIER than I last remember...hot! he had a beanie, scruffy blonde beard, tattoo sleeve (singular, one arm), skinny (slightly sagging) jeans and dark grey dunks with a light blue button down (sleeves carelessly rolled up, of course). gorge! He was complete with the french accent that at times is simultaneously impossible to understand and incredibly awesome. we were given a huge corner room (looks like a place nate berkus would stay at if he were visiting), but ended up shooting downstairs in the basement. It was PERFECT- dark, grungy, sexy, beautiful, and super playful. There were old speakers, fridges (think Happy Days fridges), retro couches and wooden chairs etc. the model was beyond gorgeous. slim, at least 6 feet tall: hello LEGS for days, thats where the saying came from! I think she was part chinese or japanese, just oozing beauty from her light brown eyes to her suuuuper thick amazing long hair. One would think I'd have spent the day miserable and jealous, but in fact I just admired (another gold star for me) and wondered what the world looked like from way up there. Must be nice to go to work and have hair and make up done then get photographed in thousand dollar heels all day. At the end of the day, however short and curvy I might be, I was just happy to go EAT. Lovely girl, great attitude but damn its gotta suck to not eat! She said she was self conscious about her ass (umm, what ass?), I joked with the photographer after she left: where does that leave the rest of us?? I was sent up and down the elevator to retrieve forgotten vests, blazers, heels, waters, diet cokes, and peanut m&ms but at the end of the day it felt good to be useful and a working part of a fashion spread. The magazine, by the way, is called Sneeze and its a hybrid magazine/newspaper in that there is no binding, the pages are just folded together. Pretty neat actually, I loved the concept (www.sneezemag.com). Very cool shoot, I can't wait for the next...

NYFW

TWITTER. if you don't have one, get one. its ridiculous how obsessed i've become. the thing is, you know whats going on in literally anything you have an interest in. its like a facebook newsfeed for the shit you actually care and want to know about. instead of reading about people's ridiculous lives, i follow fashion industry businesses, magazines, trade magazines, b2bs, and even a select few fashionistas. i follow the best fashion blogs, designers and stylists...its just amazing! have i sat front row at any of the fashion shows this week? no. does it matter? no. why? because i have the best connection with people actually sitting in the front row! its hard to believe this info is freeeee. they're up to the minute, posted every 10 seconds, and im getting feed from so many celebs/stylists/editors/designers at once, that i get the full scope of eeeverything that hits the runway. IM OBSESSED. i literally can seeee what goes on thanks to tweets from wmag like "At Calvin Klein: Whoopi Goldberg by the door, sitting next to Andre Leon Talley" There are literally millions of tweets covering everything from whos there, whos wearing what, (or not, Anna takes off her shades at Justin's William Rast show) and what hot trends are hitting the runway (neutrals, nudes and BIG on creams for fall). New York Fashion Week never looked so good....from home!

critics welcome.

a life worth noting is often one to be criticized. whether good or bad, you never bother to criticize a life that is meaningless, useless or empty...there's got to be something that is unique, different, or even uncommon in its otherwise common way. i'd rather live a life with critics on the sidelines- watching my every move- than one that goes by unfortunately unnoticed and therefore never leaving an impact on a single soul in this big huge world. love me or hate me, i want to know i've impacted the lives around me- and they've noticed mine.

on the upper sleep side.

my roommate finally took a day off. and what did i suggest we do when i got up? go pick up my loft bed:) an hour after bribing with "amazing lunch, amazing dinner, and groceries done for you" i finally got him to join me downtown to pick up my ikea loft bed from a lovely couple. the only tricky thing about moving in the city is finding a damn taxi driver that will take you and your furniture. you'd think the minivan cab drivers wouldn't have an issue: wrong. they pull up, see your bed frame and speed away shaking their heads. we stood on the corner of the street for what felt like an eternity. i, striking up courteous conversation with the girl who sold me the bed, drew hailing every van that drove down 7th. i didnt even check (like i normally do with minivans) to see if it was the cash cab driver inside, i would've taken anything! about half an hour later we were finally loading up a van & on our way back up. surprisingly, drew helped me build my "monkey bar jungle gym" as he calls it, and by last nite i was finally in my own room, on my own real bed. for the first time....in TWO MONTHS. hallelujah, i climbed into bed and sighed relief. until i remembered i left my water bottle in the kitchen. uuuugh ladder climbing is the UNcool part of sleeping so high up on a loft...

my roommate sings LA BAMBA and does a dance to get me to fold his laundry. i strangely enjoy this exchange of services. he makes me laugh, i slave away.

FAB, week 2

Day 11. One more seriously disastrous "interview" later... Turns out marketing sometimes means door-to-door salesperson on Craigslist job ads. In the ghettos of Brooklyn. We're off to a better home environment though, the apartment is slowly but surely feeling more like home. Yesterday was an adventure, finding an open laundromat in the midst of a snow storm. It was literally a snow day, with tons of schools, restaurants- and, apparently laundromats- closed. So i trekked through the blizzard of snowflakes drenching my face and managed to make it home with clean clothes. I felt, sadly, accomplished. Does it say anything that getting my laundry done in the span of a day constitutes a feeling of pride and accomplishment? These days I try to enjoy the simpler things, sigh. I cleaned the place, bought a shoe organizer to hang on the door and suprisingly, it made me feel much better. Men have no idea how lonely and lost a woman feels when her shoes are in dissarray. WHERE IS MY OTHER MICHAEL KORS PEEP TOE?? That is a heart-attack on a stick. Once I get a bed in my room, I'll feel like this is reeeeally home. I can't decide what would make me happier- a real room, or a real job. Maybe thats the problem- we just never seem to be satisfied with where we are in life. Theres always another stage we're desperately trying to get to. Look at people who work, they're all working towards the prize of RETIREMENT. But how bout once you reach it?? I think the trick of being jobless is remaining satisfied. You cant expect the job to fall out of the sky, thus the 16 hours a day combing the web and e-mailing out the resume...but you can enjoy a snow day with the blinds up, some hot chocolate and Ellen Degeneres in the afternoon. Why sweat it? Oh yeah, okay, sure....besides the fact that i need to pay rent. and buy food. pssh.

green awning with yellow letters PUPPIES.
teacup yorkie baby puppies in the window.
lenox hospital.
starbucks with limited seating but lots of window counters/stools.
cute lap top carriers with coffee inside.
brownstone.
brownstone.
bicycle locked to a post.
trees beautifully lined.
fire escapes on brownstones.
more brownstones.
dry cleaner.
fancy dry cleaner.
fancier dry cleaner.
antiques.
gristedes grocery store.
chase bank.
duane reade (oooh 24 hours!)
Bandol Bistro.
indian food.
and my favorite: fresh hand-made bakery. cookies, loafs of bread, carb heaven.

some things i enjoy on the little trip from the 6 subway stop to my home:)

fabulously broke, week 1.

SO, we're at day 3 of officially starting my new york life (that is, im actually living in the city). no more hanging in connecticut with my best friend (it was more of a vacay), now its vicious hard work time. i've been feeling the pressure like never before. i mean, I HAVE AN APARTMENT- how do i pay for it with no job? how do i pay for food let alone the necessary furnishings? i mean don't get me wrong, i can do with a blow-up bed in my room and one pan in the kitchen...but it just feels like im scraping the bottom. with no heat in my room, i learned the first night it would be impossible to sleep in there until i have a portable heater. so i've made friends with our $25 couch, since the living room has a toasty heater. drew found theeee comfiest $25 bargain ever- full size couch & armoir too. our living room is feeling quite homey, as is our half bath. my room looks naked, but its okay...it'll all come with time. this weekend im picking up a loft bed i found on craigslist, despite drew picking up the air mattress and enacting what it will look like with a full bed up high, "juvenile" he said. whatever, i need the room below for, oh, i dont know, hanging my clothes maybe?? seeing as we have no closets and clothes hanging in the kitchen isn't exactly ideal. anyways, with the apartment slowly coming along, i'm left with a day job of finding a job- and this is where we're met with my biggest nightmare. the job is starting to sound like a magical fairytale land...like i'll never find it! i had another meltdown (surprising...not) with my mother- i dont know what to dooooo!!! i yell at her. i think she's secretly scared ill start stripping to make ends meet. too much girating involved, my knees are bad. i apply for aaaany job i think i can do, nannying (picking up the rich crumb-snatchers from school & making them din type of thing), events promotional models, dog walking, while watching a cheesy commercial yesterday i even considered doing commercials. it doesnt help having my roommate come home every day and roll his eyes at me as he asks what i did all day. "i played solitaire & painted my nails, andrew" its not easy! i made the trek to barnes & noble this afternoon- soo here we go, job hunt day 3. taking out the what-if-i-dont-find-one-and-die thoughts from my mind and starting fresh! (it's like telling yourself you can work a shitty haircut you just got. the truth is, it sucks & you just have to WAIT.)