On this never-ending quest for self-fulfillment and happiness I’ve found out so much about what I, strangely enough, don’t want. I’ve found out more about the things that cause pain, the things that make me feel empty, and the things I don’t want to become. These experiences, have in turn helped push me toward the search for the flip side.
I wake up every day, get ready for work and as I’m heading out the door, put my headphones on and turn the radio on. I walk to the train quietly and am met at every corner with plenty of other Upper East Siders doing the same thing- trying to make it through another workday. The sun peaks through all the tall buildings, as we jaywalk in mobs across the one-way streets. We are like cattle being herded by the A.M. New York Newspaper Boys outside of every station as we file down into that hellhole of a subway. We all wait, impatiently and sweaty from the trapped heat, for the next train. If we’re lucky, or unlucky, the train pulls up just as we’re swiping our card and we’re nothing short of trampled, shoved, kicked and punched in to the car. If you’re lucky, you manage to squirm in.
I climb out of the subway and end up downtown in Soho where I’m greeted by more newspaper boys, coffee carts galore, the corner fruit stand and lines of people at the delis trying to grab a morning bagel and medium iced coffee. My doorman politely nods his head, sometimes I chirp “goodmorning!”with a sunny smile, sometimes I mutter it with my eyes barely lifted (and believe me, THAT’S with great effort). I wait for the world’s slowest elevator, and push 6. That’s when my day starts. On the 6th floor of 580 Broadway, as soon as I step into suite 602.
Most days I’ve woken up amped and ready to go, some days its tough, but exhilarating nonetheless. I love what my job entails. It’s crazy, hectic, stressful, vomit-inducing and somehow, it still turns me on every day as I leave the office after 12 hours and breathe a sigh of relief.
However, I leave alone and a little part of me feels lost in such a huge city, walking around and commuting with nothing but an iphone and Pandora to keep me safe and keep me company. Sometimes I wonder about how insignificantly small I am in this huge city and huge country and huge…world! Where am I? What am I doing? I question myself in those quiet moments.
I come home to my, usually, empty apartment. If I see my roommate at all, it’s usually not until 11 or later…in which case I’m usually drifting into a level 2 of sleep when I hear the key turn. I put my keys on the table, throw my bag in my room and begin the process of getting ready for bed. Have a quick bite to eat, throw on my sneakers, go for a run, come home, shower and pick out what to wear for the next day (my favorite part of every night). I get lunch ready, if it’s not too late, and finally lay in bed. After a reading a couple chapters, I turn off the light and let all my thoughts manifest themselves in me. My fears, my concerns, my regrets, my triumphs, my pride, my pain, my joys, everything. I think it through one time, and let it all go. I sigh deeply and resolve to keep pushing.
This is one day in my life. One day, that Monday through Friday, is often repeated. Do I love my life? Yes. Do I love what I’m doing and the supposed direction I’m moving in? Yes. Absolutely. Do I doubt myself and get down every now and then? Of course, I’m only human. But there’s something about living these moments where I feel most broken, most alone, most scared and most doubtful of my own strength, that I hear a little voice in my heart screaming out to me: “I can do this.” Something in that moment feels like it’s emerging and though I may cry and wonder what the FUCK I’m doing here all by myself, this feeling comes out of nowhere and reminds me I’m doing the right thing. And baby, no one can ever make you feel that feeling. I don’t care what support anyone has ever given me, there’s nothing that makes me feel stronger than when I pick myself up, dust my shoulders off, and brave another day.
It’s so easy to give up. It’s so easy to think something’s not right for you just because it’s “too hard.” I’ve seen 3 people quit at my job in the 2 months I’ve been there because the pressure was too much. One girl left in 3 months, one in less than a week and a half, and the other in 2 days. But I’m hanging in there and feeling, even despite the pressure, that I’m braving the challenge and making a way for myself. I’m proud of my progress so far, and even though it’s hard as hell to stay positive and strong day after day after day, I know that there’ s a greater reward to be had if I lay a strong foundation for myself RIGHT. NOW.
I’m ready to accept the tides as they come and let them carry me in the direction of my beautiful dreams. I see myself living the life I dream of and envision, and have to be reminded daily that this is only one small step. A sometimes brutal and painful one, but I’m growing through it. I’m getting closer to the Jacquie I want to be. I’m getting closer to the man I will eventually want to share myself with. And closer to the family I will eventually create for myself- so why not enjoy my loneliness right now? Why not accept the beautiful people I’m encountering and learn from them?
I’ve learned to treat everyone I come in contact with as a teacher. Someone I was fated to meet and learn from. Everyone that comes into my life, I believe, comes in for a very real reason- and I intend to find that out. Some people have taught me to love, some have taught me to let go, some have taught me to control, some have taught me to open up, to cry, to laugh, and even how not to be. It’s so much easier to live a happy life when you learn from not only your own experiences, but the experiences of others. I love getting to know people and letting them be my teachers. We have so much to learn from each other, and if someone has the capacity to accept and learn from me, well that just reinforces me by proving there’s a reason for me being here and doing what I’m doing after all.
