let them fall.

i'm not sure why, but the last few days have been so big for me, i can't help but feel like i'm choking. i feel like i need to let out a good cry, like i need to feel the tears roll down...to the point where i can taste their bitter saltiness on my lips. fortunately, it's not because i'm sad, per se. unfortunately, i just can't let them out. as much as i give myself permission to, the tears won't fall down. the feeling is a mix of happiness, fear, anxiety, excitement, anticipation (did i say fear?)...it's like the culmination of everything i've wanted out of life. its almost like the feeling of hearing the ticks on your steady, super slow ascent when you're strapped into a massive rollercoaster. palms sweaty, scared out of your mind, excited, but knowing inside after this first freefall the rest is gonna be great. in the back of mind you're scared to peek down, but you do. DAMN this is high up! you're thinking, "this is a joke right? why is this taking so long?? what's on the other side of this?? what if i fall out?! i can't take it anymore, the wait is killing me!" the opportunities i've recently been given simultaneously scare and excite me. i can't help but wonder, could this be it? could i be ready for what i've been asking God and the universe for all along? and the scarier thought, what if i'm not? i feel so high, it's like i can almost touch the stars...i just don't want to fall from here.

good grilling.

its crazy the way things work. one week you never knew a person existed, and the next you could never imagine not having them in your life. the people i have been so fortunate to meet while living in NYC have truly been sent to my life with distinct purpose. the new friends i make are, seemingly, picked up one step ahead of the next big change in my life. its as though God sprinkles these people in my life just as i begin to need them...without my knowing it, of course. so when i happened to meet Mad, merely a few weeks ago, i had no idea where our new friendship would lead. friends here, you see, can be as shallow as "bar hopping pals," to as deep as "museum goers/silent film watchers." you just never know. this happened to be a friendship i just didn't know i needed. a week after we met, she joined me as i went through my first melt-down over a permanent decision. you know me, never into permanent anything. "change is good, i love change, can't stick to anything" and yet, she was with me as i got my first tattoo. you could say it was the significant bonding moment every relationship has at some point. every real relationship, anyways. at some point, i fall in love with my girlfriends...sometimes after a few hours, a few dates, a few months or even, a few years....but inevitably, there comes a point where- if they really prove to be a special friend- i fall in love. and as we sat on my patio with a delicious meal, too much cheese, and a couple bottles of wine, talking about everything that matters to a 24 and 25 year old, i couldn't help but think this was one of those special people i was simply meant to come across at this point in my life.

so even though the dating and falling in love hasn't happened with men in my life, im thankful that at least it has with the relationships that matter- my friendships.