more is less.

growth.

inevitable, just as change. growth and change- hand in hand- totally inevitable. the worst part is, sometimes you're not ready to grow and change. is there any way to stop it? no. it comes when you least expect it and can alter your world and how you perceive it. i've experienced growth over the last couple of months and, try as i might, i can no longer silence the voice that has come of it. this voice that was born a low murmur and grew to a storming rage inside me...it's saying "i need change." it's making me question everything in my life- as much as i used to blindly love it all. my passion was here in new york city, as a struggling fashion journalist. my life was electric and the source of electricity was always the new york city streets. the subways, the taxis, the millions of commuters, the skyscrapers, the hudson river, the east river, central park, the empire state building all lit up at night, the brooklyn bridge, soho, the all white studios with brick exposure where photo shoots and runways were set, the garment district, the furs in the winter, FIT, chelsea piers. NOTHING made me happier than taking in a deep breath, especially now in the fall, and taking in with it a little bit of this city. up until now, this source of inspiration and motiviation was the only thing that got my gears going and made me feel ALIVE. but, as i opened this post, nothing ever stays the same. we grow, into and out of things...sadly, i feel my growth may be affecting the unshakable love i once had for this city.

i guess you could say, after 6 years of eating, breathing and being all about nyc and fashion, the flame has grown dim. perhaps because the short term goal i had set for myself has yet to be met and my patience has been tested for too long. maybe because i still feel no sense of "permanence" here, even though i have a home. because i dont have family, a relationship or a permanent career- and can truly say i want all three equally at this point- i have began questioning how much longer i'm willing to put in time and work in this city. needless to say, i've fought with feelings of wanting to explore new career opportunities and cities to live in, but...could it be i've finally reached a breaking point? and if so, does that make me weak? does it make it sad. i ask myself not what others will think of me, but what i will think of myself. what will the me in the future think of the me who is sitting here today, lonely and mildly, hopelessly, clueless? will i look back in 5 or 10 years and think...why did i give up? i had so much more to do...

its funny how life works. we are here for an indefinite number of years, and yet we feel such a great desire to BE and DO and ACHIEVE a life of such great worth in that short period of time. i almost wonder- how much does a career matter if you're not happy? how much would i be willing to sacrifice for a taste of a permanent career in fashion magazines? would i be willing to give up love? a family? a permanent home? i guess i'm starting to feel a pull back home. for the first time in years, i miss california. i miss my roots and almost want to return to them. is it because im afraid of failing here? is it because im tired? is it because im just hitting a plateau and low on fuel? do i need to create a new inspiration board and remind myself of why im here? or am i ACTUALLY ready to move on? was this the experience i wanted and am i satisfied with moving on to try something new?

my family has taught me to fight hard for what i want. i always have. but i feel like what i want has suddenly changed....is it time to fight for something new?