the beginning of the end.

Let me tell you something about being 25 and single in New York City: It’s not fun. After nearly a decade of living in this crazy city, it gets to you. Sure, the highs are high...but the lows are the lowest one can ever experience.

This, the concrete jungle, has millions of stories—and yet, we all find some way to relate and connect and love this place like a home. Even though, in all fairness, it’s a toss up whether or not it will make or break you. No, New York City is nothing like what the TV shows want to make it seem; huge apartments, fun, sexy nights out, friends that are available any time of the day or night. The truth is, New York City is one of the loneliest, most populated places in the world. Our apartments are tiny, we pay triple what they would in any other part of the country, and friends are usually too busy to hang out. Unless you give them a solid two weeks notice.

I have experienced, on more than one occasion, an amazingly epic night out with friends. I’ve been out on my own and made friends after an unpredictably fun night. But that was back when I was 20, 21, 22. By 25, it starts getting old. By 25, you start to wonder—am I on the right path here? You look at your friends from high school, where the fork in the road separated you and put you on different paths, you see them married and having kids. Then, on a chilly fall night, as you share a bottle of Cabernet with a friend on your rooftop, you come to the conclusion that shit is fucked up—our generation has completely messed up and lost sight of what’s important in life. And there you are, 25, single and completely fucking lost. 

what 24 taught me.

when you're ready to move on, you will. and once you get there, once you finally let go of the person or thing holding you back, the next great thing walks right into your life.

own your independence and be confident you'll attract the right person at the right time.

sometimes you fall madly and deeply in love...in a second. be careful.

open up enough to let love in, but not so much that your heart is completely exposed. that requires a lot more time and trust.

don't be afraid to get hurt and don't be afraid to hurt others.

don't compare new people to anyone in your past. everyone is different.

learn your lessons before you move on; they could spare you major heartbreak in the future.

you can only give the same advice so many times- let your friends live their lives and either love them or leave them for it.

stop holding grudges. let go of the past.

under the right circumstances, you will always shine. your will, your dedication, your drive...they will all be noticed eventually. don't worry about the people who never see it—they don't matter anyways.

do your best to keep doing your best.

a restaurant is the best place to work if you want to learn about courtesy, sympathy and respect for others. (and european tourists are the worst tippers)

you can't fake the feeling—when the chemistry is there with someone, you know it almost immediately. trust your gut and don't bother entertaining people you know it won't work with.

a first date is acceptable. a second date is earned.

the right opportunity doesn't always present itself as the right opportunity.

family and friends remain the most integral and important part of your life. maintain them with love, care, patience and a great deal of time. nothing pays off more than having them around.

a credit card won't turn me into a shopaholic.

working 2 jobs, seven days a week for six months is not only difficult, it's not healthy.

my body never fails to let me know i've overworked myself.

a job that doesn't pay but makes me happy is one truly worth keeping.

feeding my friends makes me happier than shopping for myself.

planning ahead is the most important job as an editor.

a best friend can become one of several best friends. you grow closer to friends, you drift apart from others...time continually changes the dynamics of all relationships.

if you've done your best, there's nothing left to do.

disabling work email from your phone once a week can be the healthiest thing to do.

if you're healthy, you really are wealthy. there is nothing worse than hearing bad news from a doctor.

don't act on impulse when you're upset. say as little as possible to get your point across—it makes more of an impact.

always forgive your mother.

find things to be thankful for and remind yourself of them when you feel you don't have enough.

rice, cheese and wheat can be hard to digest. quinoa is an excellent replacement.

have confidence in your skills and ability when you are appointed to a position of leadership: others already do.

don't keep your enemies close. keep your friends close; they will take care of you, feed you and keep you safe when you need it most.

nothing matters more than your sanity and happiness. do not sacrifice these for ANYTHING. EVER.

regular facials and pedicures are very important.

a sense of humor can save you under many different circumstances.

make time to talk with dad...he always knows what to say.

losing a phone is not the end of the world.

somehow, you'll manage to get by...even when you think you won't.

have faith in people. we're all the same at the end of the day—we have the same thoughts, the same intentions, the same hopes and fears.

march on.

they say when you try and fail, you should fail again and fail better. i agree.

you can't live life afraid to fail, but sometimes that fear is entirely too overwhelming to make progress. when that happens, i stop. i stand still and i listen to my heart. i hear my fears, i harness them and i do my best to find the strength to combat those fears. this process can take a while. i let it.

this year has felt so much longer than 3 months. it feels like i've been through so much within the first two months alone that it's almost incredible we're not in june already. january i was so high, february i was so low and now, i'm happy to finally be finding myself again. i guess the only way i can sum it up is: the boat got rocked. it's finally leveled out though, and im feeling much better about moving forward.

this month i get to fly home for a week, in 18 days actually...and i simply can't wait. it's been 6 months since i was last home with my family- thats like when you've driven your car so far without gas that the light is BRIGHT RED. ive been running on empty since a couple of months back, so this trip will refuel me and give me the energy i need to keep fighting. amazing what family can do for you. thats all we really have, when it comes down to it. family.

anyways, at this point im trying to be grateful for experiences i've had, whether good or bad or like my most recent experience, incredibly good and bad. bittersweet, if you will. why? why do i want to focus on being grateful? because, what is my alternative? i figure if i can't find gratitude and peace i'll be left with a feeling of failure and anger. everyone has suffered little downfalls, slip ups, failures...the difference is how we react to them. some people let these bumps in the road turn them into bitter, lonely, pessimistic souls. others, build on these experiences, learn, grow and live happily because of it. a or b. those are the only two options.

i choose b. moving forward and advancing.

"there are far better things ahead than any we leave behind" -c.s. lewis

clouds.

all of a sudden, i find myself floating. my feet don't touch the ground anymore, i can't feel the cold concrete as i walk around my familiar city. the chilly winds feel like a warm breeze. im somewhere off in a paradise...a dream land where i am the most beautiful woman alive. i am the smartest, the funniest and the most powerful, amazing woman in the world. ive been taken far, far away and i hope i never come back.

champagne flutes.

Another year has come and gone. On this, the final day of the year 2011, I have nothing more to say than THANK YOU. Thank you for lessons learned, good times shared, love given, love taken, and a sweet camaraderie which has lead me to believe we are all in this together. Because of this unity, I am fearless. Fearless because I've had you to lean on. Because of you, I knew i had someone to laugh with, cry, dance, cook, eat, talk and drink with and above all, enjoy the hardships and joys this year dealt us. Isn't it because of those hardships that we grew closer and wiser? This year won't be remembered in material possessions or money for me. It won't even be remembered by career ventures or any jobs we've had. No, this year will be remembered for moments we shared. For moments that forced me to grow up. Moments that brought me immeasurable happiness, if only for one night. And most likely, I shared those moments with YOU. So I thank you, I love you and I pray for our continued friendship and eternal happiness, come good or bad times, because this life, much like this year, is far too short.

Peace, happiness and love- cheers to all this & more in 2012!

You only want whats real you just never found it,Don't give them no more chances, ooh girl they had their turn,Everything for a reason, there's things you had to learn from themBut when I get you to myself....
All those other men were practice.

my corn maze shoot.

shoots & ladders.

SO work has officially begun on my very first photo shoot. i am working with a talented fashion photographer (and fellow FIT alumn) on some portfolio shots and i am beyond excited. after connecting with her and reaching out to our networks for clothes, models, shoes, jewelry (check out the super fun pieces we'll be borrowing from here) etc., we are hoping to shoot our first "whimsical, romantic fall" shoot by next weekend. its such good experience to be gained- im slowly beginning to realize i do actually have a team here and its great to be able to reach out to them. i have friends who work for big fashion houses, i have models i've interviewed for FINT which i can reach out to, and now i can add a photographer to my growing network, just as she can add me to her network as a stylist. its amazing what becoming involved in a project can do for you- suddenly i am reinforced. i am not just an aspiring writer- i write. i am not an aspiring stylist- i style. and sure, it might not be for a major print publication (right now..) but im still building key skills and actively working in a field i am so passionate about. i love it. fire is burning once again! photos TK (which is magazine short-hand for "to come")...

valley of the deep plateaus

there is something about running that puts this little voice on megaphone blast in your head. you can suddenly hear so clearly "stop, you can't do this anymore. you're gonna die! no seriously, stop. just stop right here, give up." and somehow when you keep pushing past that voice, you CAN achieve what you and that little voice in your head thought was impossible. every time i hit the track, i'm reminded of what i need to push past in my daily life. i'm reminded that that little voice lives in me all the time and i need to ignore it....because in the end, it's worth it. i can always come out on top if i try hard enough. i need to try harder. so i've decided to stop this vicious cycle of self pity and confused-ness. a list of positive things for me to remember follows.

1. i DO love my dreams.
2. i AM willing to work hard to make them a reality.
3. i DESERVE good things.
4. i also deserve to be LOVED by GOOD people.
5. i am TOTALLY capable of achieving my goals. each. and. every. last. one.
6. i am BEAUTIFUL.
7. again, i am FULL of BEAUTY.
8. i have a GREAT smile that deserves to be shared every day.
9. im really good at making friends. REALLY good.
10. when i feel alone, my FRIENDS are there for me. i can always count on them.
11. i am STRONG.
12. i will get everything i want....IN DUE TIME.
13. there IS a man out there who will fill that really huge small void i feel.
14. i am GREAT at making people laugh.
15. i have pretty nails. and that DOES count.

more is less.

growth.

inevitable, just as change. growth and change- hand in hand- totally inevitable. the worst part is, sometimes you're not ready to grow and change. is there any way to stop it? no. it comes when you least expect it and can alter your world and how you perceive it. i've experienced growth over the last couple of months and, try as i might, i can no longer silence the voice that has come of it. this voice that was born a low murmur and grew to a storming rage inside me...it's saying "i need change." it's making me question everything in my life- as much as i used to blindly love it all. my passion was here in new york city, as a struggling fashion journalist. my life was electric and the source of electricity was always the new york city streets. the subways, the taxis, the millions of commuters, the skyscrapers, the hudson river, the east river, central park, the empire state building all lit up at night, the brooklyn bridge, soho, the all white studios with brick exposure where photo shoots and runways were set, the garment district, the furs in the winter, FIT, chelsea piers. NOTHING made me happier than taking in a deep breath, especially now in the fall, and taking in with it a little bit of this city. up until now, this source of inspiration and motiviation was the only thing that got my gears going and made me feel ALIVE. but, as i opened this post, nothing ever stays the same. we grow, into and out of things...sadly, i feel my growth may be affecting the unshakable love i once had for this city.

i guess you could say, after 6 years of eating, breathing and being all about nyc and fashion, the flame has grown dim. perhaps because the short term goal i had set for myself has yet to be met and my patience has been tested for too long. maybe because i still feel no sense of "permanence" here, even though i have a home. because i dont have family, a relationship or a permanent career- and can truly say i want all three equally at this point- i have began questioning how much longer i'm willing to put in time and work in this city. needless to say, i've fought with feelings of wanting to explore new career opportunities and cities to live in, but...could it be i've finally reached a breaking point? and if so, does that make me weak? does it make it sad. i ask myself not what others will think of me, but what i will think of myself. what will the me in the future think of the me who is sitting here today, lonely and mildly, hopelessly, clueless? will i look back in 5 or 10 years and think...why did i give up? i had so much more to do...

its funny how life works. we are here for an indefinite number of years, and yet we feel such a great desire to BE and DO and ACHIEVE a life of such great worth in that short period of time. i almost wonder- how much does a career matter if you're not happy? how much would i be willing to sacrifice for a taste of a permanent career in fashion magazines? would i be willing to give up love? a family? a permanent home? i guess i'm starting to feel a pull back home. for the first time in years, i miss california. i miss my roots and almost want to return to them. is it because im afraid of failing here? is it because im tired? is it because im just hitting a plateau and low on fuel? do i need to create a new inspiration board and remind myself of why im here? or am i ACTUALLY ready to move on? was this the experience i wanted and am i satisfied with moving on to try something new?

my family has taught me to fight hard for what i want. i always have. but i feel like what i want has suddenly changed....is it time to fight for something new?

let them fall.

i'm not sure why, but the last few days have been so big for me, i can't help but feel like i'm choking. i feel like i need to let out a good cry, like i need to feel the tears roll down...to the point where i can taste their bitter saltiness on my lips. fortunately, it's not because i'm sad, per se. unfortunately, i just can't let them out. as much as i give myself permission to, the tears won't fall down. the feeling is a mix of happiness, fear, anxiety, excitement, anticipation (did i say fear?)...it's like the culmination of everything i've wanted out of life. its almost like the feeling of hearing the ticks on your steady, super slow ascent when you're strapped into a massive rollercoaster. palms sweaty, scared out of your mind, excited, but knowing inside after this first freefall the rest is gonna be great. in the back of mind you're scared to peek down, but you do. DAMN this is high up! you're thinking, "this is a joke right? why is this taking so long?? what's on the other side of this?? what if i fall out?! i can't take it anymore, the wait is killing me!" the opportunities i've recently been given simultaneously scare and excite me. i can't help but wonder, could this be it? could i be ready for what i've been asking God and the universe for all along? and the scarier thought, what if i'm not? i feel so high, it's like i can almost touch the stars...i just don't want to fall from here.

good grilling.

its crazy the way things work. one week you never knew a person existed, and the next you could never imagine not having them in your life. the people i have been so fortunate to meet while living in NYC have truly been sent to my life with distinct purpose. the new friends i make are, seemingly, picked up one step ahead of the next big change in my life. its as though God sprinkles these people in my life just as i begin to need them...without my knowing it, of course. so when i happened to meet Mad, merely a few weeks ago, i had no idea where our new friendship would lead. friends here, you see, can be as shallow as "bar hopping pals," to as deep as "museum goers/silent film watchers." you just never know. this happened to be a friendship i just didn't know i needed. a week after we met, she joined me as i went through my first melt-down over a permanent decision. you know me, never into permanent anything. "change is good, i love change, can't stick to anything" and yet, she was with me as i got my first tattoo. you could say it was the significant bonding moment every relationship has at some point. every real relationship, anyways. at some point, i fall in love with my girlfriends...sometimes after a few hours, a few dates, a few months or even, a few years....but inevitably, there comes a point where- if they really prove to be a special friend- i fall in love. and as we sat on my patio with a delicious meal, too much cheese, and a couple bottles of wine, talking about everything that matters to a 24 and 25 year old, i couldn't help but think this was one of those special people i was simply meant to come across at this point in my life.

so even though the dating and falling in love hasn't happened with men in my life, im thankful that at least it has with the relationships that matter- my friendships.

what 23 taught me.

the people who really matter will always stick around. even when you try to ignore them.

when you feel like you have nothing, try thinking of what it is you really need at that specific moment. chances are, you don't need it at all.

when you wake up and start by thanking God for the basics, your day only goes up from there.

$20 target shoes can last you three summers if you treat them with love. and people will still ask where you got them.

be thankful for good health, it can change so quickly and take a long time to regain...if ever.

the universe really does give back what you put out.

being positive isn't the cure to all of life's problems- but being negative doesn't cure anything either and it hurts you more than anyone else.

life is precious, we should remember it and act accordingly.

when you don't feel like going out, but someone invites you, you should make every effort to go. you never know who you'll run into and what will come of that encounter.

always wear nice clothes and smile. people notice.

when love is real, it hits you out of no where and doesn't let go. real love cannot, and should not, be ignored.

embrace and nurture the relationships that are good in your life. they are few and incredibly worthy investments because they return more than money can ever buy.

cut off the bad relationships.

cutting off bad relationships doesn't have to be literal, it can mean removing the value that person once had in your life.

when it hurts to think, listen to good music.

sometimes a second opinion isn't needed.

the more people you share your problems with, the more confused you'll end up. speak to few, and select them carefully.

a little paint can make a house a home.

share good books with good friends. and find a way to share all good things you come across with others.

do whatever scares you more often and it won't anymore.

give compliments freely- but mean them- especially to strangers. its the one thing guaranteed to make someone happy.

if you only focus on your problems, you drown. if you focus on others' problems, you drown. just keep swimming. the solutions will find you.

wear sunscreen

nothing is EVER permanent. change is all you can count on, and if you want it to be positive you must change your perspective and adapt to whatever comes your way.

fold the laundry and put it away as soon as you get home- or it will sit in a corner all week.

always get a manicure before an interview or date.

when its REALLY scary, do it. it's always worth it in the long run.

really good running shoes are a better investment than a gym membership.

sit up straight when you're at work.

when you put too much information about your life on facebook, friends don't feel the need to call and see whats new.

if you want phone calls, pick up your phone and dial. people can't read your mind.

frozen blueberries and greek yogurt are fantastic.

forgiveness, as hard as it may be, is always the first step toward healing. you have to give it to whoever hurt you as well as yourself.

put the lighter fluid on the charcoal and let it sit for five minutes BEFORE lighting it.

your weight will go up and down. your money comes and goes. jobs are never guaranteed. people you love hurt you. none of that matters. no matter HOW MUCH it feels like it does- the biggest blessing we have, is the ability to adapt and move forward.

eat breakfast every day.

silence the noise around you and take time to clear the clutter. whether it means turning off your phone or deactivating your social networks online. when you can be still amidst the chaos in your life, you hear important instructions you'd otherwise miss.

never question how others think of you or feel about you, all that matters is how you feel about them.

priorities don't end with your to-do list. you must always maintain focus on your life's priorities and fit people and situations into your life accordingly.

anger is useless. but sometimes, you have to allow yourself the time to feel the rage, contain it, and put out the fire. when this is the case, don't rush the process.

never apologize for your honest feelings.

your parents are only human, and they make very big mistakes too. you're no longer oblivious to them.

meditation before bed keeps your mind fine-tuned. when you focus your thoughts on what matters and what you want most in your life, your ability to open up and receive these things multiplies.

when you feel like your problems are too much to bear, help someone else out with theirs for a while.

taste new foods, meet new people, do new things, visit new places...preferably, on your own. make yourself vulnerable to everything the world has to offer.

enjoy being penniless. make use of your creativity and understand that....money...will....come.

ask friends for help when you really need it, you never know what they're willing to do for you.

eat a real dinner before going out to drink.

call men out and question their intentions. you have nothing to lose if they walk away, at least you were clear.

have many, many friends. friends for different occasions, shallow friends, deep friends, if you can relate in any way- keep them around. but have only few close friends to depend on.

there is no such thing as the right thing, only the right thing for you in this moment.

if you get a tattoo, think it over for at least six months.

put 100% of your energy and love into EVERYTHING you do.

cook special meals for your friends.

call your parents and tell your family you love them often.

send a card to an old friend every now and then. it feels good.

a bad job is never worth suffering through.

love as many people as you can, with as much of your heart as you can. life is too short to hate anyone.

try, fail, try again and fail better. its all you can do.

love the success, but love the failure equally because its what brings you to your next (even greater) success. it's what shapes you and makes you greater than you were before you suffered through it.

carry personal business cards with you- they are always impressive.

dance and sing when you're home alone if the mood strikes. nothing gives you a greater release.

appreciate the bad things that happen to you and learn something from it.

be kind to yourself. feed yourself well, exercise, get enough sleep, and most importantly, remind yourself of your strengths. we find it so easy to be loving toward our friends while being our own worst enemy. when you can't remember whats so great about you, turn to someone you know, trust and love.

give your job 100% of your attention, and treat your position (as low as it may be) as though it's the most important.

don't complain. make the most of situations. do your part to make life easier for others, and they'll likely do the same for you.

take care of sick friends.

put your phone away and give the people you're with all of your attention...nothing matters more than living in the present moment.

stop thinking about what others have done to hurt or hinder you.

pursue happiness. in everything, in every possible way, just find your happiness. and when you find it, even in something small, share it.

work hard. maintain as many professional relationships as possible.

live abundantly. as though you have more than you need, no matter how little you have. somehow, you'll always have enough to share.

and again, for extra emphasis, dress well.

keep growing, and when you realize others aren't growing with you, accept that they were with you when you needed them to be in your life.

there is always some divine reason for why things come together and fall apart in your life. don't worry about the reason if you don't understand it that moment. you will.

FOR ALL THE THINGS I'VE DONE WRONG, I FORGIVE MYSELF AND MOVE ON.

three little birds on the 6.

my phone died around 1 this afternoon...after a long night playing in the city with my ex roommate, a late morning, and a bacon egg and cheese bagel brunch. aaaaaah shit, i cried. (really, its not an exaggeration, it always feels like misery when i have to ride the subway without music...all the crap you hear, and dont, is enough to annoy anyone) as i sat on the 6, and trekked down from the UES, a couple of jamaican men hopped on. happy as can be, with their dreads, two fold up chairs, a guitar and two drums, "good afternoon new york! we hope you're having a happy day! how is everybody? hey we wanna share some happiness with everyone!" they start playing Bob Marley's Three Little Birds and i couldnt help but sigh a big I LOVE YOU new york city. it couldn't have come at a better moment, it just MADE my day the way few things can. as they sang "every little thing gonna be alright" i could feel my soul becoming free and a huge smile bubbling up on my face. as i walked out of that train ride, i hummed up the stairs and all the way home that sweet song that put me right back in my high spirits. suddenly, it didn't matter so much that someone i trusted recently hurt me, that my weekend was over, that i had a splitting headache or - even - that i had ridden the whole way home without my beloved ipod.